Adopting ‘Issue’:An issue really ?

When I was in class 10th I heard a rumour [then] making rounds in the family that my cousin brother and his wife have to adopt since she can’t conceive. Could not get totally inside the matter and understand the issue right away. But some-things were clear..like: I’ll have a cousin who will be brought form outside and that people-specially at higher rungs of the family ladder-were not so very happy with this..cause the discussion tone was always kind of hush-hush or a bit sad !

Never gave a thought at that then…but as I grew up and started understand things more clearly I realized that I’ve this feeling residing developing inside my heart that I want to adopt one child in my life.Growing older-age wise and experience wise-I find that the feeling is still intact and I’m very much sure about it..now that I’m able to make financial decisions on my own..I’m pretty sure ! But every thing has an angle to it,right..nothing goes just the way we plan !

Read an article in Times Crest edition of May 22,2010 [section:Relationships]…I felt so proud reading about the couples that have adopted even after having their biological children…and they’re so logical about it…one statement from a female- “When I don’t need to discuss or ask in the family about having my biological children then I shouldn’t be required to ask about adopting a child as well

How true is that ? Isn’t it a personal..very personal decision of the couple to adopt or not ? May be the set up that our society is into..people still don’t know how to digest the fact that ‘adoption’ is pretty simple phenomenon..and it will take ages for people to understand this ! Sigh ! Okay, I still feel if you can’t digest the fact of adoption keep it to yourself..we’re not forcing you to get into it,right ? Well yeah,I’ve been opposed on this idea by family..opposed ? well not really since I’ve just introduced this thought..their reasoning might carry some sense it doesn’t make my reasoning any less or wrong !

I just feel sad about one thing-why for every thing in families one has to convince lot of people who might not be even involved in the later stages of the issue. Why can’t decisions like these be just limited to the couple itself ? Why is Adopting an ‘issue’ attracts raised eye-brows and sour hearts ?

Putting up a view of a lady that I know: 
The Christian couple,in the neighbourhood, adopted a Hindu girl..the take of this lady on the matter is something like this: “why couldn’t they take one of their brother’s child rather than picking up a child from outside and that too Hindu?”


Do I really need to write more about the mind set of our society..the so called educated one ?

P.S.-My brother and SIL adopted a baby girl and they’re a happy family since then..and I don’t feel anything odd or wrong about it !

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19 thoughts on “Adopting ‘Issue’:An issue really ?

  1. I guess it is important to get the consent of everyone that live with the couple (in-laws etc) so that the kid is not ill-treated by anyone in the house.. other than that, the remote-families shouldn't matter much.

  2. A very thoughtful post on a topic which is made so controversial. Its a black mark for the woman in our society if she is not able to conceive. And that child outside the family is a big NO-NO. The mindset has to change. Kudos to your brother and SIL who have taken this decision.

  3. I guess it's the need to carry on the legacy of their forefathers and their own bloodline that makes elders in the family so avert to the issue of adoption. If the couple is willing I don't think its anyone's concern to stop or influence them.The future of the adopted child is also at stake. He/she deserves all due respect and opportunities like their biological child would.They should convince related people beforehand is what I feel, atleast immediate family.

  4. I worry about two things…one how will the kid react when comes to know and two – how much influence does environment have over genetics? A natgeo/discovery channel program seemed to suggest that a child who is orphaned at birth – already carries a hidden trauma right from the womb. At some point in life this might re surface. So parents wanting to adopt need to be really really sure, and mentally prepared before they take up the decision to adopt. It s not like a project…it is a way of life that will change with the advent of a new family member.

  5. It's not odd, or wrong… It's the right thing to do and even a good decision, as long as both the parents who are adopting are mentally prepared for it.But I feel, with adopted kids life can be difficult, to tell them that they're adopted is very hard. Besides they might feel a difference between them and the biological kids. Even though the parents don't differentiate.The entire situation becomes sensitive. And you need a lot of courage to go through with that

  6. Yay u r bk :)Nu, I feel its all abt hvng a child. So, instead of hvng an adopted child, its abt hvng a child ..choose the way – biological or by adoption.I luved that lady's statement "When I don't need to discuss or ask in the family about having my biological children then I shouldn't be required to ask about adopting a child as well"

  7. There have been quite a few kids in my family who have been adopted. They have been integrated so well into the family that no outsider even suspects about their parentage.A child brings happiness in life. If you feel strongly enough, you must go ahead and adopt one. There is nothing like receiving love from a child.Our society is slowly changing and now there are a lot of parents waiting to adopt. It is a very positive sign indeed.

  8. U r back with great post..Infact, last evening itself, I was just discussion about this issue with my collegue.. It all depends upon the individual and their family. Family consent is must because you dont know how will they treat the child when it come home and it is a lifetime decision, but whatever it is, the ultimate decision should be with the couple.

  9. How strange, my neigbhour and I were discussing this issue yesterday, and how one of her friends was successful in adopting a child and another could not because the agency felt her family was not ready for the whole process!! The way I understand it, adopting in India is not that simple, two reasons: One the agency has it's own rules and formalites of enquiry and acceptance, they will never let anybody take a child home, unless they are 100% sure about the environment the child will grow in – loving (extd)family, financally well off, (plays a big role, it seems) and two the stigma in our society! There u go with the question, ppl have to be asked!! if they don't the agency will!! I'm not sure, but that's how it looks like, and it sucks this way, but good in other ways too

  10. Whatever you do, society has an opinion on that ! its time to move on from such opinions and do what is 'right' !many congratulations to your brother !

  11. A child..any child is a huge responsibility..but an adopted one needs all the more love and care. The fragile self-esteem and the sense of abandonment need to be worked on. So if the couples involved in the process are willing to give it their all..go the extra mile..then I am all for it. Who cares about what others say or do. They are not the one who have to live with the decision. They just talk to make their self-importance work.

  12. I agree to arbitthoughts..people living together need to be convinced for the sake of child also.Many of our friends have adopted children and they are all happy, rather some feel that why they took so long to take the decision.

  13. I too have similar thoughts. Very well said,"When I don't need to discuss or ask in the family about having my biological children then I shouldn't be required to ask about adopting a child as well"

  14. I have known folks, who gave great time and thought to the emotional aspect of adopting (already having a biological child). This was not an issue for having a family conclave. Most people in extended families , are intellectually in favour of adoption, but shirk when emotions enter into the scene. Fortunately, I have also known families where the entire set of folks were gung-ho about adoption…This couple, consulted only their biological child, and no one else. Contemporaries from the family who were contacted for various legal requirements like affidavits etc, co-operated wonderfully, because they were like onlookers, wellwishers, for something that was a wonderful thing, which they themselves were not exactly involved in. This kind of thing works. Once the adoption has happened, most families accept it. The strength needed to decide to adopt is much much more than that needed to face relatives.And about the adoption agencies deciding whether to allow the adoption, let me just say, that the Social Welfare Dept of the State , have special officers who visit you for a special home study, talk to everyone, including your neighbors, employers, etc, and prepare a home study report that decides whether you are OK as an adoptive parent. The adoption agency is not the one who decides. The court looks at the Home Study report before going ahead with the Adoption Deed process. I just wonder , how young people , who don't mind risking the family reputation and wrath vis-a-vis having a live-in relationship with an adult, suddenly worry so much about family attitudes about adoption.

  15. its not an issue at all. and like all such issues, i just hope our generation is more open about such issues, and actually make them a non-issue. I seriously have no hopes of our older generation changing their mindsets

  16. its really strange to what lengths people go to have their own flesh and blood just cuz of some prejudice against adoption. Recently witnessed a case.

C'mon,out with it,right here :)

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