Let’s talk about sex baby!

Recently one of my friends got married who is 31. A month went by before we could actually talk peacefully and talk in detail about everything that happens post marriage πŸ˜‰

Yes so yesterday was the time when we got chatting with each other. Obviously my first question was ‘how was it?’. Why,you won’t ask your BFF about it..don’t tell me that you won’t!!! Any way so here is the convo that took place between us :

Me: How was it???? tell tell πŸ™‚

She: Umm well…yeah..

Me: what is this umm well??? bol na

She: You tell me..how does it start and how long does one take to start it actually ? I mean you’reΒ experienced…

Me: *scratching my head* Whaatttt??? What are you saying..clearly bol

She: Areh..meaning we’re still knocking the door πŸ˜‰ samjhi?

Me: *What the hell!!!!* why is that???? :-O

She: I’m scared it will pain a lot !

Me: *Damn* Dear..that’s normal and you haven’t even tried..you’re just assuming,right?

She: Yeah but the moment he is trying to do it I start making faces and then he stops ..he doesn’t want to hurt me!

Me: Well, good that he is taking so much care of you but how long do you think this will last?

She: It’s okay nah..we’re just 15 days married..I’ve heard people take 6-8 months to actually get into the act post marriage..and the minimum is 2 months !!!!

Me: Haaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww !!!!

The guy sure is a gem but the gem might turn into a monster one fine day when he is fed up of this ‘fear’ of hurt and pain ! I don’t say rush things and all that but taking it slowly is one thing and assuming that it hurts and I shall wait till my assumption vanishes is another ! I mean the assumption will only be proved right or wrong if you experience it or else how?

I don’t understand why do people fear sex so much. Also, it’s still not a dining table topic in homes. You getting my point right? By dining table topic I mean where in parents handle this issue with the kids when they prop up questions related to sex. I think sex education is a must in schools AND at homes,at appropriate age, to prevent unwanted sex taking place AND to educate people about it thoroughly so that they don’t end up behaving like my friend with her spouse.

When I told her you can always talk to you partner about your preferences and how do you want it et al..she was like ‘no way’ !! Why I say why !! When you can’t talk to your partner about it then it’s next to impossible that you would even think about educating your kids about the same!

I think this becomes one of the reasons why relationships go from sweet to sour within no time. Cause let’s face it sex is one of the important ingredients of the mix of good relationship-tell me if you disagree! So,why put it on back burner and not tackle the problem,if any,right there ?

And thanks to people who proudly say that it’s okay to not ‘have it going’ until 6-8 months ! Are you kidding? You tell me honestly does this click? Are you okay with this idea of ‘not getting into action’ for so long after marriage just for the sake of assumptions or because some of your friends took this long??

And on top of it all at this age [my friend’s] one is expected to know the basics if not be a Ph.D in the subject..no?

I for one feel that one has to be open about their sex life to their respective partners or else these things never get sorted out. The more you talk the more comfortable you get with the person you’re sharing your body with. And it’s not a taboo..please ! If it wasn’t there you and me would not have come to this world and notΒ writingΒ blogs or adding friends on face book πŸ˜›

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34 thoughts on “Let’s talk about sex baby!

  1. Agree with you…sex education must be made compulsory…all this hush-hush nature of it reaches a point where even couples sometimes don’t talk to one another! And I agree…sex is definitely one of the important ingredients in a relationship. And anyone who says otherwise is lying! πŸ˜›

    hahaha I hope no one will lie about this πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜†

  2. Well you said it right, I dont know why we havethis in our minds that sex is a tabooo… when it is not..

    Everone does it yet when it comes to talking its a no no no … bad topic

    One should talk about it and education is a must , here in uk they start it at quiet a young age .. and as you mentioned Sex is a very important part of life.. a lot of relations are made and spoilt for this.. we dont like talking but it is important…

  3. I agree!! People are scared, they don’t have complete knowledge and they are not confident or comfortable about their bodies!! I have a friend here – and she still hasn’t got it right after 2 yrs of marriage and still cringes at the very thought of sex!!

    hmm that’s what I feel sad about Pixie 😦

  4. I totally agree. We were having a similar discussion with some friends on how if a couple having sexual difficulties will not even have the courage to mention it or work it out, in Indian conditions, mainly because they might not even talk t each other about it.. It is so sad, isn’t it? If they can’t talk to their own partner, who can they open up to?

    Hope your friend resolves this with her husband, why, why is it such a taboo subject????

    Sigh Smithu !

  5. I thoroughly enjoyed this post …I completely agree with you …it should be taught and passed on in the right ways at the right time to the right people! πŸ™‚

    Tnx Aparna πŸ™‚

  6. I think there are 2 things here – (1) sex education (2) consummation – which, in my opinion, cannot be clubbed into one.

    While sex education is, and I agree, a need-of-the-hour in a country like ours, consummation doesn’t fall in the same category.

    Given our conservative backgrounds, many are not comfortable talking about sex even with the closest of friends. And that is because it was a taboo subject for our parents and for us growing up. But that is slowly changing.

    However, what I do not appreciate is this – are we now judging people based on whether or not they’re having sex? And how sooner/later they’re having it?

    There will be multiple reasons for people (and I mean men and women in general because I know of a few men too who had intimacy issues) to not consummate a marriage. Some will need guidance, some will need support and some others will need medical intervention. They all, unfortunately, do not fall in the same bracket. People’s past also has a bearing on how they ‘perform’. It is not easy for a man and woman (whether in an arranged or love marriage) to get comfortable physically immediately after the wedding. Some take much longer than others.

    //And thanks to people who proudly say that it’s okay to not β€˜have it going’ until 6-8 months ! Are you kidding? You tell me honestly does this click? Are you okay with this idea of β€˜not getting into action’ for so long after marriage just for the sake of assumptions or because some of your friends took this long??//

    – There are people who have taken as long as 10years to have sex because of whatever reasons. Who is to decide what is long/short time for a couple to enjoy sex? It is dependent on the couple to work it out!

    Also, assumptions have a background – Friends discussing the pain involved or books read or movies seen or such. They do not develop just like that.

    “Fear” is a very common reason; thanks to our upbringing and all the screaming and wailing they show in the movies during childbirth and such.

    Agreed that following friends’ footsteps is stupid in such matters!

    //I think this becomes one of the reasons why relationships go from sweet to sour within no time.//

    – A couple can have a great relationship even if it is strictly platonic unless either or both of them feel otherwise. In which case, they will try to work it out (sooner or later) and have sex.

    PS: No disrespect meant to you or your blog. Sorry for the long comment.

    1. SnS, you have absolutely no idea how much I agree with your comment. I thought this was obvious, but then I saw other commenters speaking otherwise. I wasn’t sure if I should comment at all, but you’ve said it much better than I could.

    2. I think SnS said what I feel abt when they want to consummate their marriage – totally their choice! That’s y I only said abt the taboo thing in my comment.

      But I also read ur comment below that being scared of things may not help. Ya true, but I think she and her husband are again the best to judge what works for them

  7. Just a few thoughts I had after reading your post.
    1. I agree with you that sex education is necessary. However no amount of sex education can help a couple 100% in the actual act of consummation, particularly if there is a problem involved (This, for instance http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-symptoms). Age , too, has nothing to do with it. Which brings me to…
    2. There are people who have real physical problems or even emotional ones. This hinders or even makes it impossible.
    3. The 6-8 months thing: Each couple defines what is important to their relationship, and prioritises. There are bound to be couples for whom this is a non-issue. How else would you explain the fact that men & women marrying even after they know that their spouse(s?) are unable to perform for whatever reason, or are disabled (using the term very loosely here) in some manner?
    4. The timing depends on the couple and the circumstances, I think. If I had to marry someone I hardly knew (no offense to those who had an arranged marriage, I am just taking a very simplistic view of this scenario) I would definitely not be comfortable enough with the person to have sex with him until I got to know him very well.
    Your friend definitely needs some kind of help, but rushing into something she isn’t prepared is also not the answer!
    5. Yes, listening to your friends’ accounts is not the best guide but in the absence of actual help in our society, this is the only option for many. The solution to this is not easy – our attitudes have to change!

  8. Sex is taboo. It shouldn’t be – Agree.

    You should be able to freely communicate with your partner regarding this – Agree.

    We should have sex education and all misconceptions should be cleared – Agree.

    But this is where I stop agreeing with you.

    I think the time line regarding ‘when to do it’ should be left entirely to the couple. I hate how the world dictates such things to us. Like SnS, I know a lot of couples who’ve taken months or even years to find that rhythm with each other. What is so wrong about that?

    I vehemently disagree with this line of yours
    ‘And thanks to people who proudly say that it’s okay to not β€˜have it going’ until 6-8 months ! Are you kidding? You tell me honestly does this click?’
    Yes, I say it is absolutely okay to not have it going for as long as you are comfortable with. Who are we to judge? Nobody should have sex because they feel the world expects them to have sex just because they are married.

    Regarding the amount of pain, it is different for different individuals. For some, it is a very traumatic experience, needing medical intervention. So I wouldn’t trivialize this aspect. And when they want to seek medical care should be left entirely upto the couple.

    I think sex is something that happens naturally so it is best to go with the flow. We needn’t put any deadlines on each other. It will happen sooner or later, whenever the people involved are ready.

    Honestly, I feel a little bad for your friend. After the conversation she had with you, she is going to feel quite ‘abnormal’ for not having had sex in the 15 days she’s been married (In my opinion, this is nothing!). Now she might feel the pressure to perform and do it, just so that she doesn’t feel abnormal. This isn’t the best way to have sex.

    Had it been me, I would have told her to relax, take her time, and enjoy it whenever it happens. If they’re not havign sex (out of fear, or whatever reason, then it is clear they are not ready). So go with the flow, enjoy the little moments of intimacy that they do have, the fear will disappear gradually and then let the final act happen naturally. No pressure!

  9. hey nicely written dear……and sex is nt a taboo for sure…but its such a nice thing…..hihihi…
    and now u tell how is it going…???;)) long gap na…

    You’re naughty πŸ˜‰

    1. I can’t stop laughing at this comment πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ … Sorry Scribs. I’ll stop spamming your comment space.

      you’re not spamming πŸ˜‰ carry on πŸ™‚

  10. @ Chinkurli, SnS and Pepper:

    I agree to what you girls are saying. May be I’ve not put it much aptly as you people have.. If you notice I’ve mentioned that I don’t say rush things and all that but taking it slowly is one thing and assuming that it hurts and I shall wait till my assumption vanishes is another ! I mean the assumption will only be proved right or wrong if you experience it or else how?

    Having written this post I don’t mean that there is a specific timeline within which a couple should get going..all I’m saying is just sitting on assumptions and not even taking that one step to try is not going to help any one!

    So there !

    Chinkurli, true age is nothing to do with this so I take back that ‘she is 31 and is expected to know basics et al’ πŸ™‚

    SnS: There is nothing you did to disrespect my blog/post πŸ™‚ We are free to share our views on anything and everything..so keep bringing them on πŸ™‚

    Pepper: Trust me I didn’t make a pressurizing statement which would force her to ‘perform’ now..I intended to help her out with her assumptions and I did just that πŸ™‚ She is my friend and I would any given day love to help her whenever that’s required πŸ™‚

    HUGS to all you girls for bringing such clear points to the table πŸ™‚ Enjoyed the discussion,truly!

    1. Sweets, I didn’t mean to say you intentionally put any pressure on her. You wouldn’t do that to your BFF of course! But what do you think a ‘pressurizing statement which would force her to perform’ really is?

      Based on the conversation you typed out, I really thought what you told her would have definitely made her think she isn’t ‘normal’ cos she hasn’t had sex in the measly 15 days she’s been married. When she told you what her friends thought, that 2, 6 or even 8 months is okay, then that means she was okay with the idea of waiting for a little while. But you ‘Hawww’ed at that, giving her the impression that that is very unusual and unacceptable. That is putting ‘pressure’ on a person without saying it directly.

      I know all you wanted to do was help her. I think a better way to do it would be by just telling her that it is not very painful (for everyone), she needn’t stress over it, and can try it if and when she feels comfortable. Period.

      You might want to note this – If somebody has not tried, whether for fear or any other reason, then it only means he/she is not yet fully comfortable. And they can take their own time to be πŸ™‚

      Sorry for the long comments. This one subject gets my goat all the time. And thanks for opening up this discussion and having this exchange of ideas πŸ™‚

      1. lol @ hawwed at her πŸ˜‰

        Yes I hawwwed but told her precisely what I wanted to and that haw was for the other friends of hers πŸ˜‰

        Any way I’m really glad we discussed it openly here πŸ™‚ At least there is a place where in you can talk what you WANT to and not what you SHOULD πŸ™‚

  11. I know you have moved on from this post, but thought will add my 2 cents …

    Our social conditioning is so tight that we do not talk anything about sex until the woman marries and after couple of months we demand a grandchild!!.I am not getting this point at all.In a very conservative family sex is always a sin and just after marriage it is glorified and is expected to happen at the designated auspicious time….

    I know someone who are married for 4+ years and still have not done “it”….Also some are just happy with cuddling and hugging and does not have to go to the ultimate level…

    I agree with you completely about the need of sex education and how openly we should discuss it, but doing “it” should be completely the couples choice and as long as they both are okay with it…

    you’re right and I appreciate you coming back to this post and adding value to it πŸ™‚

  12. Hmmm…after reading all the comments, all i can say is “all’s well that starts well…and ends well too” πŸ˜‰

    righto πŸ™‚

    Read something really refreshing and different on blogosphere after ages, thanks, scribby πŸ™‚

    really? you feel so?

  13. Whoa! What a discussion πŸ˜€

    isn’t it ?? πŸ˜‰

    I will only be nice and nod along to most statements made in the comments, since I have no more gyan to add! πŸ˜€

    😦 was waiting for some tiny winy gyaan from you too ..hmmpf ! But at least you arrived here,thank god for that!!!

  14. Super-like the openness of this post. πŸ™‚ Love it Scribby. πŸ™‚

    thanks Ums πŸ™‚

    The honest and frank talks between the partners is the best remedy to solve any problems related to sex. Not only when its required to break the ice, in the initial stages of the relationship, its very important even during the older days, when every time becomes more painful for the women, owing to physical restrictions.

    what an important point you’ve brought in Ums..appreciate

    If the openness and what makes u comfortable is discussed well from the beginning, it lays a strong foundation of understanding between the two.

    perfect !

    I hope ur frnd understands this soon. Hugs Nu. πŸ™‚

    I hope so too Ums..:)

  15. of course every girl asks her BFF about it after marriage. πŸ™‚ Actually conservative families with strict parents take pride in the matter that their daughters are so “innocent” and assume girls who “know” such stuff are “not virgins and hence sluts”

    I so agree with this one Reema !

    my colleague who is my close friend was as ignorant as anything about sex. I mean u cant even imagine!! we had long discussions about sex where I increased her knowledge before she got married.

    ain’t it sad to know more and more people ignorant about this important thing of life? 😦

  16. Well i had a friend who is 35 (mind you) and was getting married and asked me to “google” or give her gyan on how to enjoy sex!!! Hahahaha

    Anyway, it’s good to know understanding men are a universal phenomenon!!!

    so did you googled it or just giggled ? πŸ˜‰

  17. Awesome post!

    I remember the sex education we had in school: we thought it was funny and were embarrassed to discuss this with an adult but it really helped clear a whole plethora of rumours around sex. We were too scared to discuss this with adults like our parents, but discuss we must!

    I think you’ve inspired me to write a post about this: thanks!

  18. sOME COMMENTS YOU GOT HERE ARE SOO LONG..THAT I DONT THINK I CAN EVER MATCH..btw minimum 2 mths?? hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    see you too reacted to that in ‘haww’ πŸ˜‰

  19. I’ve reached here from your recent post on popular posts of 2011.
    There are things that i agree and disagree with here but this one line bothers me in ways more than one. “The guy sure is a gem but the gem might turn into a monster one fine day when he is fed up of this β€˜fear’ of hurt and pain”

    1) we are showing men in poor light when we say that they will turn into monsters when they are not satisfied. Men are NOT s**-craved demons.
    2) a woman is supposed to go ahead and do it only to satisfy her partner (lest he turns from a gem into a monster) What about her preferences/comfort

    I know what you mean here and trust me this was not in my mind when I wrote this and my be the choice of words went wrong while putting forth my thoughts…All I meant was he is a human being and he might get impatient if this wait continues for long and which is true vice versa.I still don’t know if I’m putting my point clear across

    3) Fear, hurt and pain are not imaginary. They are real for some people.

    yes I agree to this totally but to know whether it is true in your case,you have to try or you’ll not know. I’ll again say the same thing…all I said and meant was that just by listening to other’s stories [positive or negative] one cannot sit on the topic and think that mere saath bhi aisa hi hoga,you getting me?

    There is a lot more I’d like to say on this, lekin phir kabhi. Maybe a post on it.

    the whole point behind me writing this post plus chatting with the friend was just to pull her out from the boundaries that she had created because of heard stories and not giving a chance to herself and the guy!

  20. If she still hasn’t done ‘it’ and is still scared, she needs to look up vaginismus :). It is real. http://www.womentc.com/content.php?keyword=vaginismus

    Sex being treated as a taboo, not having had sex until you’re say 32 … all of those factors do make you nervous and involuntarily clam up. It becomes so difficult that you can’t control the involuntary reaction. The condition is called vaginismus, and it requires treatment. Psychological treatment to help you get over your fears, and physical treatment where your muscles are trained to relax when penetration occurs. It might not be the case at all …….. but vaginismus goes untreated and misdiagnosed in MANY cases and women just live with the pain when they don’t have to. Sex doesn’t just happen all the time. Not for everyone. πŸ™‚

  21. One of my very good friend was not satisfied with her sexual life. we had told her to talk it out with her husband…but she never bothered to. After their kid, she became even more depressed…as her husband never seemed to get physical with her. My friend never opened her mouth…she felt as a lady, she should know to supress these urges. I was like…WTF

    they had lot of fights….and then one day…the marriage ended…with she sleeping with someone else…!!!!

    if she would have communicated her feelings here…they could met a doctor…worked on it…and the relationship could have been saved…but now…

    it is pretty normal to share jokes…some dirty talk…some naughty chats…with ur partner…

C'mon,out with it,right here :)

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