Parenting-Push and Pull

Parenting,Parenting uff yeh parenting ๐Ÿ™‚ Write how much possible on this topic,you can never run out of thoughts,anecdotes and incidents to share.

I’ve been wanting to write few things that my parents inculcated in me while bringing me up but the thoughts were not properly getting streamlined. They say it right: You just need a push to do certain things and I got my push from RM’s wonderful post ‘Letting Go’.

Parents do a great job bringing their children up in particular manner. No parent will ever want their children to be rude,misbehaving or a wrong doer when they grow up. The way your parents bring you up,goes a long way with you.

Somethings that have stayed with me till date are:

1. Once while walking from the drawing room to the dining area I tumbled upon a bottle of Iodex and I didn’t pay attention to it,in fact I slid it aside with my leg and furthered to where I was headed. My father watched this and asked me turn back,pick that bottle up and keep in it’s place and then go. I was reluctant to do so and I said no. Little did I know that my father,who always treated me like a princess can also change hats to the strict father ever. He got up,came to me and repeated the same instructions and I,testing his patience,said no again. Then what, you guessed it I’m sure! Yeah…his all 5s on my cheek ๐Ÿ˜ฆ And it didn’t end there. I was made to do what I was told and also explained why I got that whacking! First,because I didn’t listen to him even after he telling me properly twice. Second, for not caring for things coming in my way and hitting them with my foot and walking over.

2. I’ve been treated by my father like a princess all my life.And not only I say this but people around acknowledge the fact too. So I’ve always felt extra special in his company feeling that whatever I do or ask for will be fulfilled. This incident is of the times when I was in junior school. Papa used to carry dabba to office and mostly we never had him for lunch at home on week days.We followed a ritual in the evenings-when he used to come back from office,before entering home,he used to take me for a small ride around the park in the colony. One day,he came home for lunch since he had to go to a short tour to near by city. After we ate lunch together I asked him to take me for short ride around the park before going to office again. He told me very nicely that he is getting late and that there is not time for the ride. I started throwing tantrums and you know how the kids do when they are crying,howling and lying on the floor for kind of blackmailing their parents? I was doing all of it but do you think my father gave in? Ha! He simply walked away out of the house cause he was obviously running late. On the other hand my mother tried to make me understand but papa not fulfilling my wish was too much for my ego. To my surprise even went about doing her work in the house and I was left unattended. What next? Well, I realized ab meri daal nahi galne waliย so I got up on my own in few minutes and became normal. After which mom told me this: a) You are no doubt papa’s princess but all the time he can fulfill your wishes. He’ll do what all he can do best for you and you have to understand that. b) By throwing tantrums you don’t possibly get your work done.Tantrums are a waste of your time and energy.

I’ve been taught to say ‘thank you’ to everyone who has been a help to me or been good to me or done something for me. Be it maids, family,friends and relatives. I remember, my grandmother insisted that I stop saying thank you to her cause it was for only formal relationships. We all know that all she meant was saying thank you to your grandmother is not necessary cause all she does for her grand daughter is with love. But to this my papa politely told his mother that it’s not only for the formal set-up or relationships but to make her [me] feel humble for things people do for her.

There were many a times that my grandparents disagreed a lot of ways of my parents’ parenting style. Of course generation gap being one thing and several other conceptual issues. But even after all the resistance my parents managed to teach me what they wanted to in their own way.

I’ve to learn that balancing act. I’ve to learn a lot in this whole process of parenting. Along with teaching my child I’ve to recall my lessons and tweak them if necessary and then relay them to Chirpy. I’ve a long long way to go. But I’m glad I’ve begun my journey and I’m determined that I’ll follow the right paths shown to me by my parents,my elders.

Like I mentioned in the comment on RM’s post-my parents I think gave me freedom where it was necessary and also tighten the grip on my hands where they felt the need to pull me back.

It’s the game of pull and push,I realize now. You find the fine balance between them and I think you’re good!

A classic example of only applying ‘pull’ force to your children runs in my own family. My second cousin who is 33,Ph.D. in childย psychology andย unmarried.

When she was about say 5-6 years old she lost her younger sister to cancer. The family of course was traumatized. Loosing your child, your sibling is no less than a shock of life. But that tough incident left such a big impact on the family that today my sister has become a little abnormal. You say a Ph.D. holder and I’m calling her abnormal? I’ll tell you why:

>She doesn’t go out of the house.

>She doesn’t have friends, she watches movies only at home.

>She has a pet parrot which is her best friend and she doesn’t let anyone see it-it’s only hers.

>She talks to the monkey god-Hanumanji-all the time and tells her mother,my massi,that she will marry him one day.

>She doesn’t know cooking,cleaning or any such stuff called house work.

>She doesn’t make her hair on her own-my massi does that.

>She never goes to the college on her own-my uncle drops her and picks her up-all these years every single day he has done that.

>She has never filled her college/ thesis forms-my uncle does that for her.

>She doesn’t pick her plate,after eating her meals,and put it in the kitchen-her grandmother does that for her.

>She sleeps between her parents even today.

>She has not traveled out of the city for so many years now.

>She wears only kurta pajama with sleeves running till her palms and collar tight at the neck.

>She doesn’t go to the parlor,has never been all her life.

Yes,this all is very very true and happening since the day the family lost their younger daughter. It has affected my uncle,massi and the grandmother majorly and the after effects are they’ve pampered and over protected my sister so very much that today she has turned into this. Even after studying so much she doesn’t want to work. And all the reason behind studying so much was for killing time,since she was not doing much at home. She wants to get married,at least this is what she says,but only if a guy is ready to leave back his family and come and live with them. They have also constructed 1st floor 2 years back in anticipation that my sister will get married and they both will stay upstairs. Mind you, there is no kitchen made in upper section-reason being the would be couple would eat with massi and family any way,so what’s the need for the kitchen! So you see no guy is ready forย leaving hisย familyย cause it’s not only beingย ghar jamaiย it means breaking all the connections with his own family!

Can you beat this? Can you imagine having no friends at all?Can you imagine not going to movie halls ever? Can you imagine your mother doing all your shopping for you even today? Can you imagine sitting inside the house all the time except for the very important tasks where your parents can’t go like thesis submissions and all? Can you imagine not having a career at all and just having the degrees?

I mean I totally can imagine the flurry of emotional changes that would have occurred in massi and uncle but going to this extent to protect the other daughter, in my opinion and the our family’s too, they have really ruined her life. Pampering is not bad but like they say ‘extreme of anything is not a good sign,it ruins everything’.

They are very rich,good for them, they bring everything to their daughters door steps but acting in this manner,by keeping her in the shelter all the time has affected my sister so much that no matter how many times we other cousins have tried to talk to her or tell her how we are living our lives,she refuses to come out of her shell. She has not attended any of the weddings and ceremonies which have taken place in the family since ages-just one reason behind it all-she likes to be in her own home,all the time.I have only one question to my massi and uncle-what happens when you guys are gone tomorrow?

So, push or pull or both in balance,what you do with your child really matters in the long run and the learning starts from parents,so there!

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20 thoughts on “Parenting-Push and Pull

  1. Your papa = my papa ๐Ÿ˜€

    Am feeling so sad for your cousin..the parents should become a bit strict here..instead of submitting to every whim and fancy of hers, they should push her out of her fancy cocoon. And your question if very much valid – “What will she do when her parents are not around”.

    1. YAY to similar papa ๐Ÿ™‚

      No actually I think you got it wrong Visha..it’s not my sister per say but her parents..they’ve behaved in a manner as a result of which she has become like this ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  2. You know I was also planning to do a post on it as you said, on parenting, we can talk for hours… ๐Ÿ™‚

    Dads are girls real teddy bears.. ๐Ÿ™‚ Regarding your sister, are you sure she does not have any other psychological problem apart from the trauma. Don’t get me wrong. I am saying this because some things that you mentioned show that.

    1. dads as real teddy bears is perfectly right ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know if she has some other psychological problem or no…cause all that we know is my massi and uncle have behaved in a way which has turned into this…

  3. It is true parenting is very difficult and one job that will NOT always get you a thank you..

    My dad was very strict but NOW i know why he was so , at that time I hated , and its not that he did not care , we had everything tht a child would want , I just did not realise it then .. parents work hard to see that smile on their child’s face..

    I am sure you and hubby will and ARE doing a lovely job, moreover I beleive a parent knows there child more than anyone else ..

    Dont know what to say about your sis,

    Lots of love to the little one ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Yes our parents do their best to make us happy…it’s only then that we don’t realize that what efforts they are making to bring home our wishes…may be because the cycle has to be completed hence we have our children to realize what a parent is and their feelings ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. That’s a nice post. I remember that when I throwed any tantrum or would start crying to get something my Mom would make me sit in a corner. She would tell me “when you are done with the crying you can join us”, it always had a desired effect on me ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Parenting is all about balancing. There is no clear cut way for us, it is us parents who have to pave the path and remember that we are making or breaking the future of our own kid. The example that you have put up is so sad. They have in a way crippled their daughter who had so much potential and are they not being selfish?

    1. your mum said it so simply ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve made a mental note if it ๐Ÿ˜€

      Crippled is the word,sigh! As far as being selfish is concerned I don’t know if they are aware also that what they’ve done to their daughter!!! They might still be thinking that they are protecting her and pampering her!

  5. My parents have been just like your’s… Whenever I used to cry or throw tantrums they used to just ignore me…. And then they used to do the same thing with my younger bro too…. It really works… ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. Thought stirring post….I felt so bad for your cousin while I was reading your post…just coz of faltered upbringing a nice personality is spoiled and devoid of normal life….even i have a relative whose hubby went through somewhat similar upbringing from his parents and sad part is that my relative is following the same with her only child ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    Your dad’s parenting style was so similar to my dad…. I still remember how he ignored my cries & shout for an hour or so and did not complied to that illogical demand which taught me that lesson too well ๐Ÿ™‚

    Your & RM’s posts compelled me to pen down my thoughts on this subject ๐Ÿ˜€

  7. Sad to hear about your masi and her family. This is why psychological counselling for the family after a traumatic incident is so essential but sadly In India, psychiatrists are still looked upon as “pagalon ke doctor”.

C'mon,out with it,right here :)

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