It’s been the third day today in the new phase of my life and I’ve mixed feelings for everything happening around me.
Right now my thoughts are not very much assembled,may be over the weekend I’ll do a post on assembled thoughts…ha this ‘Assembling Nighttime Thoughts’ is becoming a series on my blog !
Any way, the very first thing that I felt at the very first day of my work was-sadness. Sadness due to Chirpy.
As expected naturally, she was supposed to miss me at least if not make a hue & cry of her mother not being around her the whole day. But the girl that she
is has become, she didn’t feel even a little distress. Instead she said bye to me with a broad smile.
I was still okay about this but in the evening when I came back rushing to my daughter I found out that she came to me,said a huge ‘HI’ and went about doing her things in the house. No hugging, no kissing and no showing any signs of ‘mamma,where were you?’ expressions!
I know I should be happy that I’ve a daughter who is independent, not chipku and can manage without any particular person being around her. I must be feel relaxed that she is happy as long as she is fed and put to sleep on time and is taken to the park in the evening to play. I certainly should feel proud that at this tiny age she is doing quiet good.
But I’m not. I mean I’m but something about it irked me the very first day. I cried. I cried because I was expecting. Because I was being selfish. I was expecting her to miss me and show me my importance in her life. I’m being selfish in that sense. I want her to miss me, to be a little sad in the day cause I’m not around her and come running to me in the evening…all for a good massage to my ego!
How fair is this for Chirpy? Would it not be unfair to her if I’m expecting her to now suddenly be dependent on me..where all these days I was talking about getting her used to being independent and manage without me/us around? Would she not be confused? In fact she is doing exactly what I taught her,no? So,what’s wrong?
And coming to think of it,it’s not only the thing of missing me and tugging at me once I’m home. I think it’s also about she being less attached to me as compared to MIL and Husby. I think this is what is bothering me. Cause now they are the ones spending majority of the time with her and I’m kind of feeling left out,I guess.
Is it natural? Is it okay to feel this way for a first time working mother? Is it the same way how most of the kids behave when they are left behind for the day by their mothers?
Remember DI we had a discussion on the same lines few months back and how wisely and maturely I was giving you gyaan about spending ‘quality’ time with Zo etc? And now that I’m myself at the same juncture I’m feeling low and confused. I want someone to tell me it’s okay. I want someone to tell me they too feel the same. I want someone to tell me that my daughter will always have a special place for me in her life,no matter how much time I spend with her!
Sheesh,there is so much I want from life and people around…how ‘wanting’ person I’ve become!