What am I thinking today? Lot of things but everything surrounds only one decision that I’ve to make now-my job!
Nothing wrong has happened, I’m happy, the work is good and last week only I’ve got promoted to Manager HR-India operations! Sounds pretty fancy, right? It is in a way a glamorous role and perks along with it are not be mentioned but there is other frills too which would come along in hiding!
Time & Energy expected from my role and position-that is what is bothering me the most since I’ve heard the big news of my second career innings! I mean for the outsider it is a gold jack pot that I land up in an awesome job with exactly the kind of profile that I was looking for and in 6 months I get promoted to a higher level. But to me, it is not all that honky dory. There are issues, like all work places have, and there are expectations that supersede my personal goals.
I never wanted a job which would take more than half of my life everyday to leave me without spending much time with my daughter. Practically now a days I’m only spending 2 hours / day with Chirpy which is 10 hours a week and 200 hours a month only! Of course there are weekends-two whole days- but then do I want to be a weekend mother? Of course not!
And it is not only spending time that is my problem. It is about the connection that is being made with every one around other than me! Chirpy certainly connects with me and loves me, comes running to me when I’m back from office (rare days when I come home early and not at 9 pm when she is already asleep) but she is more connected to her grandmother and father. No complaints there, it ought to be, that’s what I chose. But of late I’ve noticed for every little thing she needs her father/grandmother and if I offer to help she refuses bluntly.
I’m feeling emotionally dejected-all because of me cause no one else is responsible for this. I’ve been spending 10 hours a day at office which is again important and required right now. But juggling between such demanding job and home and personal life is getting hectic.
Maybe I’m not the right person to juggle? I’m a workaholic I know that but now that I’m a mother I somehow don’t like working long hours but when at office, I love working! Funny, ain’t it?
So this is all that is bothering me. I keep thinking of the time 6 months back when I had two options in hand-this job and the other one at the college where the time was fixed and maybe a little less demanding! Should I’ve picked up the other role? Did I do any mistake by taking up full time corporate role?
I’m thinking continuously since a week now and I think I’ve decided to talk to Mr. President who now is my new boss; about the balance I want to strike between personal and professional commitments, about the time that is being spent by me in the office, about maybe increasing the team size and having the work distributed laterally to avoid loads on any of the team members cause any given day it is not fair to expect perfection and completion of jobs from 3 HR personnel for 400+ employees! Theory says that it should be 1 HR personnel per 100 employees; about how I don’t want to climb that corporate ladder so fast or may be don’t want to climb at all; about how I don’t feel ready to take up more responsibility when I feel more responsible for the child that I produced for myself a 2 years ago !
I don’t what would be his reaction. I don’t know what would be his decision further. I have no clue what would organization do on this because my promotion has been officially announced already…I don’t know what’s going to be but I’ve decided that I’ll talk and keep my thoughts upfront rather let them simmer in my mind and hinder my performance-which is a bad idea!
I’ve spoken to Husby and he is of the view that I must continue with the new role cause I deserve it. That I’ll be able to manage once the team is augmented. That Chirpy is close to her mother equally the way she is close to her grandmother and father. That it is okay to leave the baby behind for work because
babies toddlers anyway don’t want people around all the time! But at the end the decision should be purely mine, something which I’m comfortable choosing and dwelling in to!
I’m confused-I’m not confused between the choices.I’m confused between my own decision that keeps fluctuating !
I don’t know what to do; or maybe I know- I want to be a baby again where I don’t have to think or choose!