Today is a bad day for me! Well, in actual sense for Chirpy! I did something today which I had never thought of doing it anytime soon or maybe never. I slapped her!
And no I’m not going to tell myself that it is okay.That it is okay to get irritated, to get angry and to get mad at a 2 year old! It is okay to slap that 2 year old because I could not control my anger! Because I could not hold my hand just when I should have!
I’m feeling terrible, sine that moment on! I’m feeling awful, guilty and like a bad human being! It is not about being a bad mother, it is about a temperamental 32 years old grown up who hit a child in anger and irritation !
I have no rights in doing that. I have no rights hitting any human being for a petty reason. I have no such rights, really!
And no I’m not going to be melodramatic here and hit my own hand or hurt myself drowning in guilt. Instead I’m writing it all here so that I can remember, the next time my hand goes up I should be aware that what I did earlier was not something I liked about myself.
In an instant I picked her up and caressed her cheek. It was deep red then. I felt a tweak in my heart, I said sorry to her and kissed her. I told her how mamma is sorry for this behavior and why she did what she did. I also told her that mamma will remember not to repeat it again.
On the other hand Chirpy cried for a moment, hugged me tight, stuck to me for the rest of the while and slept in my lap later. She smiled at me before entering the dream world and I thought that was really really needed, for if she would not have smiled, I would not have felt forgiven!
Children really are so pure, so away from egos and hurts and revenges! They don’t understand all such things and that’s why maybe they are called form of God?
Anyway, I’m terribly sorry for what I did today. Husband doesn’t know about it yet, I’m sure he’ll not like it. He doesn’t like hitting children in general, well nobody does, but he is the kinds who can get extremely angry yet not raise the hand!!! But I shall confess this to him, not for getting rid of the guilt but registering the fact with him that I went wrong!