There is no single thing in my mind that I can pinpoint and write about it. There are several things going on and I’m thinking way too much about it all. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, useless thoughts, happy thoughts, all are coming and going in a frenzy making it all look like a roller-coaster ride for my mind to grasp and analyse.
I just read what I wrote above and on second thoughts it sounds like I’m talking about me being mentally sick 😛 Well, no, I’m not mentally (or for that matter, physically) sick at all. I’m just confused, a waiter in queue for popping out the bundle of joy (feels like that) and at the same time the HR Head who has tonnes of things under her hood to finish before she goes on her maternity break! Sounds exciting, all of it, does it not?
I feel the time has halted. That the world around me has come to stand still. Waiting is such a boring task. I feel like a kid who is eagerly waiting for time to pass by so that she’ll meet her long awaited happiness. I know the more time inside the merrier for the baby, but yeh dil hai ki manta nahi 🙂
Life’s going to change, for the good. I know. But lately I’ve started getting a weird thought, which by the way, I never got all this while, never even when I was planning this baby in my head. Now suddenly I feel that will I be a just mother to both my kids together? Will I be able to balance between both my kids? Will I be bias towards Chirpy, for she being the first one and all that? I get scared. What if I’m unable to be a good mother? What if my decisions and actions go wrong? Will the second one dislike me? Will this baby detest having me as a mother?
Has any of you, second timer, gone through this chain of thoughts? Is it normal? I guess it should be normal to feel all this? This is a part of anxiety, no?
Basically, I’m feeling all of it and none of it, at the same time. I’m going crazy, this wait is killing. This wait does not let you concentrate on anything. I want to do so much and have to do so much but my speed has slowed down. Because there is a distraction. I feel sudden pressure in my lower abdomens and I get thoughts that I’ll be slipping into labour any time now 😛 which by the way is not the case, let me tell you. As per my doc, I’m at a good stage and decently far away from actual labour day! Needless to mention, this second time is different in this sense. First time I was calmer and cooler. I took each day as is and never rushed my thoughts to the D-Day. Unlike that time, this time I feel I’m much eager to end this all and meet my baby. Maybe because I’m tired and the discomfort of the last leg is rising. Still 15 days to go and here I’m sitting at my office desk, whiling my time in between the lined up tasks. I’m almost done finishing my tasks at office and that eases my tension which I had until last week.
So these last 15 days, have to count each day and be patient! Think of good things to come and pray to the almighty. Get ready for a new life, yet again and be prepared to be balanced mother, a balanced person!
Yes, that’s what I should be doing!