Its been a little more than a month that I became a mother of two. Exciting as it may sound, it sure it great to be at this stage of life yet a little confusing at times. Especially for a person like me, I guess feeling confused, odd at times and feeling squarish peg in the round hole is quite normal. I’m random, I know that very well. My thoughts fluctuate often but that said, my decision don’t get hamper due to this and I’m firm on what I choose for myself. So being a second time mother was my conscious decision and I stand for it even today, not because I don’t have a choice now, but really. But feeling confused is something I can’t give up in my life, ever. Today I feel confused for having two children to cater to. Whether I’ll be doing a good job or not? Whether I’ll be able to do it right or no? I know there is no right way to pin point the method of bringing up children but the dilemma exist.
I’m fully aware that I’m not a 100% mother material and I’ve accepted this fact and made peace with it. I’m not the one who can run around the clock and only look after my children and tend to them. But, I love them. I’m around when they need me, for feeding, playing, doing the art projects, homework, taking them to malls and zoos and holidays and reading them books, cooking their fav dish etc. All this in proportion to giving myself space for reading, watching movies, meeting my girl friends and going to office. I guess this is fair, no? Being a mother doesn’t mean losing one’s own individuality, right?
Past few days I’m feeling a little bit guilty about all these things, you know, wanting to be myself, giving myself the required time and all that. I feel my children will not stick to me like generally children should to their mothers, like normally they feel about their mothers. As if their mothers are the only creatures on earth they’ve seen or known! On the second hand, I ask myself, do I want my children to be like that? Like all clingy and emotional about their mom being around 24*7? The answer is a clear and big no. Then why do I feel guilty otherwise? Like for this very instant : When I’m writing this, my little one, Sibby, is lying beside me..playful and on his own. What a scene it is, the mother on her laptop, lavishly writing a blog and the little buns, independently playing and letting his mum be! Who would not want this sight in real? And here I’m, feeling guilty… what for by the way?
See, I told you, I’m one confused soul!