I’ve a major confusion here. And a concern too. As far as I know myself, I’m a major emotional (fool!) and get attached to people who ‘claim’ that I’m their closes friend and they love me a lot and are so happy that I came into their lives etc. That said, not everyone in my life, like friends, are like this who only say all this but really mean too-its evident from their behavior and acts!
So the point here is, the moment I come into such zone with a friend/s I’m like totally impressed, get mushy and begin pouring all my love on them and start becoming available for them at once. And they love it too, but after a certain point what happens is my inside demon called ‘expectations’ starts showing its ugly face and haunts my thought process. I feel the way I show and speak out my love to my friends, they must reciprocate in the same manner and amount. They should show me that they feel for me and say it quite often-as I do and show from my behavior! And if things really happened that way, it would be an ideal world, right?
But only fact is, it is not! Having said this, I don’t mean to say at all that my friends don’t care for me or are not bothered, but I very well understand that like I’ve my own way to do certain things, they have their own. Everyone after all is a different personality based on which one thinks, behaves and acts! And which is perfect, right?
My problem is that I expect and also when I feel that the emotions are not weighing equally or are not flowing in the same manner and amount, I assume that I should stop doing the way I do things. I start telling myself to not be myself, and that’s where the whole Am I right? Am I an emotional fool? debate starts in my head. And it moves on to I feeling weak and foolish about relationships. I’m in my second half of thirties and I think I’ve still not got it sorted out for myself, about the outer relationships saga and how to deal with them. I feel I’m still the same teenager who were confused about which path to take-left or right!
And while I’m kind of dwelling on this thought, the inner stronger and happier me tells me to just let it go and let people be. And it tells me to be strong and not feel low for such tiny things in life when I have better things to concentrate and invest time in.
So this weaker me gets a lecture from this stronger me and at the end of it all I’m all charged up and happy. But every debate and charge-up leaves me with questions-should I change? Can I alter my own person ? Can I stop being who am I? Do I think way too much than I should?
I’m constantly trying to figure out what kind of person should I become so that my mind will be at peace and I’ll not feel emotional or sad or unsorted. Or I should just alter my expectations from relationships and carry on the rest and be happy. I look other people around wherein they are so sorted out and clear about their life and people in them that I’ve never come across them talking about such things. They don’t get affected with what others think or say or feel AND if they feel in the same manner as them. Can I ever become that person ? Is becoming that tough?