K-H-N-H,really!

Last week, I heard a very very bad news. One of my Human Resource group acquaintance committed suicide, she was going through some financial problems and along with her mother and brother, they did this crime! All three succumbed to poison!

Was it so bad that she had to take this step etc. is a separate matter to think through. Or why people like her do what they do, is not in our hands or know!

What made me write about it here is this :

I had met her only twice so far since we were introduced, in our HR networking events and we are a part of HR group on WhatsApp. So this lady had messaged me a month back on WhatsApp, asking me to make some time for she wanted to discuss something with me (related to performance review process, as hinted by her). We did have a brief call too, but we planned to make a proper call and discuss whatever she had to discuss with me, laters.

So then, past one month we kept on “planning” this call of ours. Some times she was not available and other times I was running short of time and last week, I get this ugly news!

I was shocked beyond explanation. My heart stirred. I felt terribly guilty about not talking to her, not making time and not putting efforts for making that call. After this incident took place, I felt terrible! Mighty terrible.

I learnt that the time is today, now. We can’t and should not keep postponing talking to people or attending them. Whatever difference you can make to their lives, in any which way, professionally/personally, you’ve to do it then and there. Now that line really sinks in so well Kya Pata Kal Ho Na Ho!

I really wish I could turn back time and call her once.

High Voltage Planning

Ha, don’t go by the post title, you are not going to find anything juicy or spicy in this post to savor !

Oh before I forget, I just finished reading the third book of Clifton Series by Jeffrey Archer! God only knows how slow I’ve got in reading a tiny book (300 odd pages!) Anyway, since I finished the book after 3 months now (!) it needed a mention (and a pat on my back) 😉

So coming back to the high voltage planning thing. The point here is my ideal kind of mother is who picks her kids from school, drops them to their extra curricular sessions, reads in between while waiting for them to finish their sessions and finds some time in all this chaos for catching up with her girl friends and then is all available for her own self/husband to do whatever she wishes and loves to do 🙂

So for me, this is the mother I’ve always wanted to become in my life unlike now, where I’m least seen in my kids’ life in the week..oh wait I’ve a word for my kind of mother-I’m a Weekender Mom! Yeah, right, I’m that. Not that I don’t love my kids and blah blah.. I just love being myself and I cherish working in corporate world, that’s the whole point!

So while I’m (still) in this dilemma of whether to quit this full-time -attention-demanding job or not, I think I’m balancing it quiet well at both ends, or so I think!

But really, when I think deep, I really want to quit this full time job, do only a little amount of work (to utilize my education and maintain my sanity) and give rest of the time to myself and kids and family and everything else! So you ask where’s the problem, when I know what I want so why don’t I just grab it? That’s the whole problem I say.. I know what I want, I know how to reach there and get it BUT (yeah, these buts are always ther,duh!) I also know, how a person like me will react once I’ve got what I’d wanted!

I will feel empty when both my kids will leave for school and for their activities, when my husband will leave for his full time job, so its then that I’ll look at myself and say look what you’ve done to yourself, you’ve nothing to do and no where to go, tsk tsk! This you see? I fear this, I fear being in that place, I fear losing my position in my own eyes, I fear not having a schedule at hand, I fear emptiness!

This fear is holding me back, I’m unable to take that plunge. I don’t know if I would fair well if I break the boundaries. I don’t know if I’ll be sane if I start doing nothing! I know for the fact that being a homemaker is a big job at hand which is not everyone’s cup of tea, just on the outside it looks like sitting at home and doing nothing but in reality it takes a lot to run around people and manage the home!

I’ve always felt that being at office is much easier as compared to being at home, at office I’ve things and people at my beck and call and I mostly don’t have to lift my finger to get things done (apart from typing constantly on computer and placating cribbing employees!) Whereas, being at home is like doing the mental math and Science drawings at the same time, you know what I mean ?

And its evident from past 12+ years that I love working in office, I love having a schedule and a very busy at that, I love being around people all the time with new tasks and problems at hand, I love all this! So, when you love something so much, where do you begin to leave that behind ? Because in my case, I’m in love with what I do yet I yearn to be at other side which looks pretty attractive too!

Is this being greedy and indecisive and all such things in life? But anyway, today when I was getting ready for work, I thought of lot of my friends who have given up their full time sassy jobs for one or the other reasons and are now full time/part time mums and doing something they love and found their peace in it. So, that’s not really difficult, right? You certainly make some sacrifices, but that you make in corporate world too when you own a full time job, no?

So nothing is 100% perfect and beautiful, I’ll have to take that step and be brave to move ahead on the path I really want to walk on. I will need to be courageous, compromising with certain things in life and making peace with what I chose by not looking back and cribbing!

I need to plan step by step to do this and I’m starting today… this post here shall help me, if at all I stumble and get confused, I want to write down what I intend to do and how I intend to take things ahead… but this time I really want to move ahead in life this way..

Dear Sibby-Your Kiss-y Mother

Dear Sibby,

Hope you are doing good,in this world of ours! Have we been too clingy to you?Too sticky? Cause I feel so 😉 not that I regret it or will stop kissing you time and again! I know we, especially I, keep hovering around you, kissing you and cuddling you all the time. I so love that feeling, your baby smell, your soft skin against my cheeks, I just love holding you! Even Chirpy is so fond of you, she has a fixed routine-the moment she wakes up in the morning, she’ll come and kiss you, back from school, she’ll kiss you, going to play in the evening, will kiss you, coming home from outside, certainly will kiss you.. haha, she is really really fond of you! And your Dadda? Don’t even get me started here. He’s softer than me at heart when it comes to his kids. He can’t be strict to either of you, he can’t say no and he can’t lay down rules for you both! Sigh, all the tough part is to be played by me, you getting my point?

Sibby, its been 15 months since you’ve come in to our lives. I’ve felt so special, yet again. They say mothering each child is a different experience in itself and I so agree with this. I’ll be honest, as always, I feel closer to you, much connected with you as compared to what I felt at the first time. Your Didu and I share a strong bond, she is growing up to be an assertive girl having her own mind and thoughts but my bond with you is a little different than that, I feel so! Something between us is different, is special and I’m overwhelmed by it all!

But now that you are growing up I miss how you loved sleeping on my chest. You felt cozy and I felt warm! You insisted that at least once in the day I let you sleep on me, and then I should not put you down, at all! You know what, even I dislike that 😉 when you sleep on me I fall asleep myself. We are a sight to watch, your Deda tells me! There were several nights when we’ve slept just like that for hours and hours and I never felt tired!

You struggle to get out of my tug now, you know if I get hold of you, I’ll squeeze you too much, you’ve understood the show of my love and you act smart now! But the first thing in the morning you do is, look at my face and give a big broad smile, every morning, without fail! All these little somethings are going to remain in my memory forever, you might grow up and forget these, for me these are my treasures!

You are my sunshine, my lifeline. I have given you so many names, sometimes I also forget what I called you yesterday, but you my cutie pie, you just respond to every name that I pronounce, you turn your head upon listening to my voice, but the next moment you just shake your head in a deep NO and run away 🙂 Hahahaha as if you understand that I’m going to catch you and squeeze you 😛  This is our game, you love it and i yearn for it 🙂

I know I’ve not written you much but I’ll make up for it, I’ll write to you because more than you its for me. When you and your didi fly away from our nest, its for us to sit and read these letters which will be like throwbacks !

Love you meri jaan,

Yours Aai

Gorgeousness

When you log into FB or any other regular site for that matter, all you get as notifications is the recent online shopping carts that you’ve viewed/edited OR Bollywood news etc.

Off late, pregnant actors are in lot of news, not only because they are pregnant (as if they’ve don’e something really really different from the world!) but because how they carry themselves in public in their pregnancy!

I recently checked a link which talked about Kareena Kapoor Khan and how glamorously she’s carrying herself in her pregnancy period.. I’ve to admit, I loved her looks, the ease and her style 🙂

When I was preggers with both my kids, people used to give me those compliments-especially carrying the pregnancy with elan and ease! And I did experience the same, it was so easy to walk around with the baby inside you, gave me a feeling of something that I’m unable to put in words. All I can say is it was wonderful, lovely to be pregnant. Thankfully, both my pregnancies, I never experienced morning sickness, not even for a day. There was no aversion for any kind of food. All I did was eat merrily and live my life normally, like literally!

While I was pregnant with Chirpy, I was on work break, so I had nothing much to do in the day or no specific routine. I lazed around, met friends, watched movies, slept and did lot of cooking 🙂

While I was pregnant with Sibby, I was very much working, in a very important position and loaded with work, which I enjoyed very much and to tell you the fact I went to the office until previous day of my delivery 🙂 And there was not an ounce of fatigue or tiredness inside me…

Needless to say, I miss my pregnant days, I loved them dearly! I guess happy pregnancies make a woman look happy and beautiful. The gorgeousness comes through naturally, yeah ?

So when I looked at Kareena’s pictures, I remembered my good old days 🙂 Haha, can’t believe now I’m saying good old days, as if my kids are like teenagers 😉

Check Kareena here, I’m sure you’ll love the gorgeous lady too!

That’s How Confusing I Can Get !

Life’s taken a new turn. Normally, I’m a person who loves to explore new things, move around and stay inquisitive about the unknown. But then, on the other hand I’m the one who dislikes change, I like to dwell in my comfort zone, something I’ve worked my way through and have set up the strings to suit the environment. I like known people, otherwise it takes me a little time to get to know them, for me to open up and be myself. So its genuine that once I’ve done so much of work in knowing the unknown and letting people in my life, I’ve to leave… and then be at a new place to start the same exercise from the step 0, that’s a little too much, no?

Well, but right now I’m at exactly that stage-I’m at a new place, settling down, knowing new people and working my way through! I’ve changed jobs. I’ve taken up something bigger, better and brighter, or so it seems right now 🙂 Ok well, it is that! It was around 2-3 months of dilemma-tic debate in my mind about my thoughts and feelings that I decided to take this up. Even until the last day I was not sure if I did the right thing, to leave my past Co. and join a new one! Leave alone the last day, on the 2nd day at my new place I was like  “I think I’ve made a mistake, I’ve to go back to my old job”

So people, this is me, a little weird yet normal 😉 Today’s 3rd at work and I’m as chirpy as a bird and excited to start work and I’m already thinking to be here for a long time! How confusing do I sound? 🙂

Wish me luck, I’ve taken a bigger responsibility and the new people have lot of faith in me, I want to have the same faith in me to prove everyone right! I want to do good work and shine bright in whatever I do, I want to feel good about myself when I look back after a year and smile that I made the right decision of my career!

What’s up with you guys? Anything new that you must share? Bring it on…

Life’s Simple, Keep it that way!

So much happens in everyone’s life. No one is spared from the emotional brawl that one experiences in one’s life. So I’m not an exception too. However, after every such incidence in life, I learn to become stronger. I learn to not repeat the same mistakes, to not expect from people and to stay happy in what I chose to do and accept my decisions.

There are times when you feel low with what has happened in life, for sure. But then its you who has to pull yourself up from the situation and smile! To look forward and not cry on the spilt milk. That’s life is and it goes on, whatsoever!

Being sad and thinking too much about stuff is not good-for health and otherwise too. When you think too much, you basically spoil other relationships and are diverted from your core! When you think too much it spoils what you have in hand, at that moment. You miss the chance to enjoy the moment, the happiness that is in front of you but you miss to see it because your mind is somewhere else!

Be where you are at that moment and just take life in with both your hands. I have come to believe that life is very simple, gifted by god in a pure form, it is us who make it complicated. It is us who twist and turn it and then sit and cry that its broken or lost its shape, which is not fair to life. We shouldn’t blame it, right?

I always tell myself, keep smiling, stay happy and be positive. If you are happy, you’ll spread happiness, if you spread happiness you’ll get more happiness in turn. That’s what the rule is- what goes around, comes around!

Live life happily! Stay good, Stay you!

Dear Chirpy-High Five

Dear Daughter Chirpy,

2016 is an important year for us. One of the greatest things happened is you turned 5 this year! A mark in itself, of growing up, becoming Didi and understanding whole lot of things that we didn’t imagine that you can!

I think I should stop saying this, we can never imagine what all you can think or logically arrive as a conclusion at. You always surprise us, amaze us and make us proud with your wit, intelligence and comic streak! I love that you are a fun loving child and that you seldom feel low or sad and you are totally and completely indulged in happiness and living life!

That being said, you cry at the drop of the hat, my dear girl, you are very sensitive and feel deep for people and things around. I respect that, but at the same time I want to tell you to not be so emotional about things or people so much so that you feel weak! But then your Deda tells me to let you be, its not the right time to tell you big life lessons. We have our own debate going on this one, I think you should be guided on the right path right from the start and he thinks I should let you evolve as a person on your own.

So yes, he’s right but at the same time I feel I’m not wrong either. I don’t want you to be strong and sturdy at your heart, feel for right things and let other things go! While we are yet to arrive at the conclusion of our debate, we are just letting time take its own course.

Today when I see you as a big sister, my heart melts. Today you are exactly the same sister to Sibby that I had imagined-loving caring and protecting him. On the other hand, Sibby being a boy, he shows his boy genes and dominates you, sometimes bully’s you (of course he doesn’t know that he’s doing that 😉 ) and we are NOT surprised to see that you never retaliate. You remain affectionate towards him and cuddle him more. Sibby, as right now we can gauge is a little moody. He is playful with you when he wants to and then there’s no limit to his love for you! He’ll shower you with sloppy kisses and even give you small bites as token of his love 🙂 (Yeah, that’s how Sibby shows love to someone-by biting on cheeks!) We enjoy this sight, we love the way you two are growing up and especially when you are off to school Sibby is the one who feels most upset seeing his partner go away, its a sign, he loves you to bits dear didi!

Dear Chirpy, you are a lovely girl, sometimes a little naughtier but other times you are an angel 🙂 Mamma keeps saying this all the time, but seriously, she means this to the core , She loves you a lot!

And to answer your question if I love you the most than anyone else, yes baby, I love you the most!

Yours Lovingly,

Aai!

 

Dear Sibby-Honest Confession

Dear Sibby,

Since the time of your birth I’ve been wanting to tell you this-the thoughts that time and again come to my mind,sometimes even today. Before I start, I want you to know that I’m being truly honest here with you. I don’t feel the need to modify my feelings and present them because between you and me, we don’t need to pretend or please, right?

When I was pregnant with you, I was very frequently questioned as to what do I wish to have-a girl or a boy? This curiosity is especially over grown in people’s mind for the second babies. Since I had Chirpy, a girl, people wanted to hear me saying “I want a boy”. According to them it made sense, for me to wish to have a boy when I already had a daughter. I don’t blame them, that’s what the minds are conditioned as in the society. Secondly, there was this ghar ka chirag mania also. Who would take our family name ahead etc.

I on other hand, honestly, wished that you’d be a girl, yes, I wanted you to be a girl. I imagined you and Chirpy sharing that sisters bond, that girlie interactions, those silly fights for dresses and accessories, discussing boy friends and careers, making choices and taking stands for each other, being best girl friends. Not that now you being a boy, would not bond well with Chirpy, you would I know but same gender, especially with girls it is a bit different, a little more special.

I felt this way maybe because I never had a sister? Maybe because I’ve seen such sister siblings that are fire on the house? Or simply because I deeply wished to have daughters! Your Deda on the other hand was sure he wanted a boy, to have best of both worlds, to strike a balance. He thought having two girls or two boys is a little imbalanced. So he wanted one of each, simple logic that, no?

That said, you would know that I’m glad that I had you, a boy. I’m in love with you exactly the way I would have loved a daughter. Nothing has changed, my love is not gender dependent, a mother’s love is not at all anything dependent. It is just love, pure love for her children. And hence you are the apple of my eye, my hero, my jigar ka tukda! I love you Sibby. You and Chirpy complete me, you my children paint my life with your love and I’m so loving this colourful life.

Yours,

Mamma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sibby-The First Letter

Dear Sibby,

Hello sweetheart 🙂 This is the first letter of a long series of letters that I’m going to write to you time to time. There are so many things I can keep talking to you, in my head, and then some of them make way here, in these letters and some remain in my heart, forever. Which I hope someday I’ll be able to recite to you, as is 🙂

Its been a month’s journey together, well, not exactly. To put it together, we’ve been together for almost 10 months now! So, a month’s journey face to face, let’s put it that way. It has been lovely, pensive, panic-ky, wondrous, funny and soothing. All in one go. You’ve been a peaceful and silent baby so far. All you want us to ensure is you are provided the milk timely, your poop and pee are cleaned at the very instant that you finish the task and you are left in profuse silence when asleep. How simple is that, no?Well, yeah! So far so good, we’ve been bonding well, I can safely say that and I get a feeling that you’re going to be a mamma’s boy like literally. Lot of people, actually make that all of them, say that you are on me, every inch. Though your Deda keeps finding traces of himself in you like the other day he said “you know I think his eyes are exactly like mine, you see the color, here? See!” Some or the other way he tries to find the resemblance and score a pointer to this his side, but all in vain 😉 He is very selfish that ways. As if Chirpy being totally like him is not enough for him to boast!!

You sleep most of the times, I mean that’s what you should be doing. Your carefree expressions while you are asleep are to die for! While you are awake, few hours of the day, you stare into silence. Somewhere in distance as if you are deep in your thoughts and one must not disturb you, at all. Oh, and when your Didu is around, you both click like kumbh ke bichade huye bhai behen. Seriously, how? I wonder. You guys connect so well, touch wood! There is something that Chirpy speaks with you and you instantly react cheerily as if you want to jump with joy. You feel happy in her presence and you follow her with your eyes as much as you can. She feels equally excited to talk to you, to touch you and kiss you. She wants to do everything for you right from cleaning your potty to changing your clothes to putting you to sleep. She sure loves you a lot Sibby, a lot ! 🙂

I feel all mushy seeing you two chat in your own language. And not only me, your Deda’s heart melts too. He feels so so contended to see you both that he turns to me and says a silent “thank you” 🙂 I love this moment, all four of us in the same moment, feeling happy and contended for our own reasons 🙂

Dear Sibby, welcome to the world. You are new here and there is a lot of you’ve got to see and understand. There are going to be good times, exciting times and then there will be some dull moments too in life, but that’s okay. As long as we have each other, things will get better when they are not, together we can cross all the hurdles, the power of family, togetherness is immense.

Stay happy, healthy and grow well dear baby. Mamma will try to write as many letters as she can, recording your moments, for herself and for you too to look back, in future 🙂

Let’s begin our journey 🙂

Yours Mamma.

As Confusing As It May Get…

Its been a little more than a month that I became a mother of two. Exciting as it may sound, it sure it great to be at this stage of life yet a little confusing at times. Especially for a person like me, I guess feeling confused, odd at times and feeling squarish peg in the round hole is quite normal. I’m random, I know that very well. My thoughts fluctuate often but that said, my decision don’t get hamper due to this and I’m firm on what I choose for myself. So being a second time mother was my conscious decision and I stand for it even today, not because I don’t have a choice now, but really. But feeling confused is something I can’t give up in my life, ever. Today I feel confused for having two children to cater to. Whether I’ll be doing a good job or not? Whether I’ll be able to do it right or no? I know there is no right way to pin point the method of bringing up children but the dilemma exist.

I’m fully aware that I’m not a 100% mother material and I’ve accepted this fact and made peace with it. I’m not the one who can run around the clock and only  look after my children and tend to them. But, I love them. I’m around when they need me, for feeding, playing, doing the art projects, homework, taking them to malls and zoos and holidays and reading them books, cooking their fav dish etc. All this in proportion to giving myself space for reading, watching movies, meeting my girl friends and going to office. I guess this is fair, no? Being a mother doesn’t mean losing one’s own individuality, right?

Past few days I’m feeling a little bit guilty about all these things, you know, wanting to be myself, giving myself the required time and all that. I feel my children will not stick to me like generally children should to their mothers, like normally they feel about their mothers. As if their mothers are the only creatures on earth they’ve seen or known! On the second hand, I ask myself, do I want my children to be like that? Like all clingy and emotional about their mom being around 24*7? The answer is a clear and big no. Then why do I feel guilty otherwise?  Like for this very instant : When I’m writing this, my little one, Sibby, is lying beside me..playful and on his own. What a scene it is, the mother on her laptop, lavishly writing a blog and the little buns, independently playing and letting his mum be! Who would not want this sight in real? And here I’m, feeling guilty… what for by the way?

See, I told you, I’m one confused soul!