High Voltage Planning

Ha, don’t go by the post title, you are not going to find anything juicy or spicy in this post to savor !

Oh before I forget, I just finished reading the third book of Clifton Series by Jeffrey Archer! God only knows how slow I’ve got in reading a tiny book (300 odd pages!) Anyway, since I finished the book after 3 months now (!) it needed a mention (and a pat on my back) 😉

So coming back to the high voltage planning thing. The point here is my ideal kind of mother is who picks her kids from school, drops them to their extra curricular sessions, reads in between while waiting for them to finish their sessions and finds some time in all this chaos for catching up with her girl friends and then is all available for her own self/husband to do whatever she wishes and loves to do 🙂

So for me, this is the mother I’ve always wanted to become in my life unlike now, where I’m least seen in my kids’ life in the week..oh wait I’ve a word for my kind of mother-I’m a Weekender Mom! Yeah, right, I’m that. Not that I don’t love my kids and blah blah.. I just love being myself and I cherish working in corporate world, that’s the whole point!

So while I’m (still) in this dilemma of whether to quit this full-time -attention-demanding job or not, I think I’m balancing it quiet well at both ends, or so I think!

But really, when I think deep, I really want to quit this full time job, do only a little amount of work (to utilize my education and maintain my sanity) and give rest of the time to myself and kids and family and everything else! So you ask where’s the problem, when I know what I want so why don’t I just grab it? That’s the whole problem I say.. I know what I want, I know how to reach there and get it BUT (yeah, these buts are always ther,duh!) I also know, how a person like me will react once I’ve got what I’d wanted!

I will feel empty when both my kids will leave for school and for their activities, when my husband will leave for his full time job, so its then that I’ll look at myself and say look what you’ve done to yourself, you’ve nothing to do and no where to go, tsk tsk! This you see? I fear this, I fear being in that place, I fear losing my position in my own eyes, I fear not having a schedule at hand, I fear emptiness!

This fear is holding me back, I’m unable to take that plunge. I don’t know if I would fair well if I break the boundaries. I don’t know if I’ll be sane if I start doing nothing! I know for the fact that being a homemaker is a big job at hand which is not everyone’s cup of tea, just on the outside it looks like sitting at home and doing nothing but in reality it takes a lot to run around people and manage the home!

I’ve always felt that being at office is much easier as compared to being at home, at office I’ve things and people at my beck and call and I mostly don’t have to lift my finger to get things done (apart from typing constantly on computer and placating cribbing employees!) Whereas, being at home is like doing the mental math and Science drawings at the same time, you know what I mean ?

And its evident from past 12+ years that I love working in office, I love having a schedule and a very busy at that, I love being around people all the time with new tasks and problems at hand, I love all this! So, when you love something so much, where do you begin to leave that behind ? Because in my case, I’m in love with what I do yet I yearn to be at other side which looks pretty attractive too!

Is this being greedy and indecisive and all such things in life? But anyway, today when I was getting ready for work, I thought of lot of my friends who have given up their full time sassy jobs for one or the other reasons and are now full time/part time mums and doing something they love and found their peace in it. So, that’s not really difficult, right? You certainly make some sacrifices, but that you make in corporate world too when you own a full time job, no?

So nothing is 100% perfect and beautiful, I’ll have to take that step and be brave to move ahead on the path I really want to walk on. I will need to be courageous, compromising with certain things in life and making peace with what I chose by not looking back and cribbing!

I need to plan step by step to do this and I’m starting today… this post here shall help me, if at all I stumble and get confused, I want to write down what I intend to do and how I intend to take things ahead… but this time I really want to move ahead in life this way..

Dear Sibby-Your Kiss-y Mother

Dear Sibby,

Hope you are doing good,in this world of ours! Have we been too clingy to you?Too sticky? Cause I feel so 😉 not that I regret it or will stop kissing you time and again! I know we, especially I, keep hovering around you, kissing you and cuddling you all the time. I so love that feeling, your baby smell, your soft skin against my cheeks, I just love holding you! Even Chirpy is so fond of you, she has a fixed routine-the moment she wakes up in the morning, she’ll come and kiss you, back from school, she’ll kiss you, going to play in the evening, will kiss you, coming home from outside, certainly will kiss you.. haha, she is really really fond of you! And your Dadda? Don’t even get me started here. He’s softer than me at heart when it comes to his kids. He can’t be strict to either of you, he can’t say no and he can’t lay down rules for you both! Sigh, all the tough part is to be played by me, you getting my point?

Sibby, its been 15 months since you’ve come in to our lives. I’ve felt so special, yet again. They say mothering each child is a different experience in itself and I so agree with this. I’ll be honest, as always, I feel closer to you, much connected with you as compared to what I felt at the first time. Your Didu and I share a strong bond, she is growing up to be an assertive girl having her own mind and thoughts but my bond with you is a little different than that, I feel so! Something between us is different, is special and I’m overwhelmed by it all!

But now that you are growing up I miss how you loved sleeping on my chest. You felt cozy and I felt warm! You insisted that at least once in the day I let you sleep on me, and then I should not put you down, at all! You know what, even I dislike that 😉 when you sleep on me I fall asleep myself. We are a sight to watch, your Deda tells me! There were several nights when we’ve slept just like that for hours and hours and I never felt tired!

You struggle to get out of my tug now, you know if I get hold of you, I’ll squeeze you too much, you’ve understood the show of my love and you act smart now! But the first thing in the morning you do is, look at my face and give a big broad smile, every morning, without fail! All these little somethings are going to remain in my memory forever, you might grow up and forget these, for me these are my treasures!

You are my sunshine, my lifeline. I have given you so many names, sometimes I also forget what I called you yesterday, but you my cutie pie, you just respond to every name that I pronounce, you turn your head upon listening to my voice, but the next moment you just shake your head in a deep NO and run away 🙂 Hahahaha as if you understand that I’m going to catch you and squeeze you 😛  This is our game, you love it and i yearn for it 🙂

I know I’ve not written you much but I’ll make up for it, I’ll write to you because more than you its for me. When you and your didi fly away from our nest, its for us to sit and read these letters which will be like throwbacks !

Love you meri jaan,

Yours Aai

Dear Chirpy-High Five

Dear Daughter Chirpy,

2016 is an important year for us. One of the greatest things happened is you turned 5 this year! A mark in itself, of growing up, becoming Didi and understanding whole lot of things that we didn’t imagine that you can!

I think I should stop saying this, we can never imagine what all you can think or logically arrive as a conclusion at. You always surprise us, amaze us and make us proud with your wit, intelligence and comic streak! I love that you are a fun loving child and that you seldom feel low or sad and you are totally and completely indulged in happiness and living life!

That being said, you cry at the drop of the hat, my dear girl, you are very sensitive and feel deep for people and things around. I respect that, but at the same time I want to tell you to not be so emotional about things or people so much so that you feel weak! But then your Deda tells me to let you be, its not the right time to tell you big life lessons. We have our own debate going on this one, I think you should be guided on the right path right from the start and he thinks I should let you evolve as a person on your own.

So yes, he’s right but at the same time I feel I’m not wrong either. I don’t want you to be strong and sturdy at your heart, feel for right things and let other things go! While we are yet to arrive at the conclusion of our debate, we are just letting time take its own course.

Today when I see you as a big sister, my heart melts. Today you are exactly the same sister to Sibby that I had imagined-loving caring and protecting him. On the other hand, Sibby being a boy, he shows his boy genes and dominates you, sometimes bully’s you (of course he doesn’t know that he’s doing that 😉 ) and we are NOT surprised to see that you never retaliate. You remain affectionate towards him and cuddle him more. Sibby, as right now we can gauge is a little moody. He is playful with you when he wants to and then there’s no limit to his love for you! He’ll shower you with sloppy kisses and even give you small bites as token of his love 🙂 (Yeah, that’s how Sibby shows love to someone-by biting on cheeks!) We enjoy this sight, we love the way you two are growing up and especially when you are off to school Sibby is the one who feels most upset seeing his partner go away, its a sign, he loves you to bits dear didi!

Dear Chirpy, you are a lovely girl, sometimes a little naughtier but other times you are an angel 🙂 Mamma keeps saying this all the time, but seriously, she means this to the core , She loves you a lot!

And to answer your question if I love you the most than anyone else, yes baby, I love you the most!

Yours Lovingly,

Aai!

 

Dear Sibby-Honest Confession

Dear Sibby,

Since the time of your birth I’ve been wanting to tell you this-the thoughts that time and again come to my mind,sometimes even today. Before I start, I want you to know that I’m being truly honest here with you. I don’t feel the need to modify my feelings and present them because between you and me, we don’t need to pretend or please, right?

When I was pregnant with you, I was very frequently questioned as to what do I wish to have-a girl or a boy? This curiosity is especially over grown in people’s mind for the second babies. Since I had Chirpy, a girl, people wanted to hear me saying “I want a boy”. According to them it made sense, for me to wish to have a boy when I already had a daughter. I don’t blame them, that’s what the minds are conditioned as in the society. Secondly, there was this ghar ka chirag mania also. Who would take our family name ahead etc.

I on other hand, honestly, wished that you’d be a girl, yes, I wanted you to be a girl. I imagined you and Chirpy sharing that sisters bond, that girlie interactions, those silly fights for dresses and accessories, discussing boy friends and careers, making choices and taking stands for each other, being best girl friends. Not that now you being a boy, would not bond well with Chirpy, you would I know but same gender, especially with girls it is a bit different, a little more special.

I felt this way maybe because I never had a sister? Maybe because I’ve seen such sister siblings that are fire on the house? Or simply because I deeply wished to have daughters! Your Deda on the other hand was sure he wanted a boy, to have best of both worlds, to strike a balance. He thought having two girls or two boys is a little imbalanced. So he wanted one of each, simple logic that, no?

That said, you would know that I’m glad that I had you, a boy. I’m in love with you exactly the way I would have loved a daughter. Nothing has changed, my love is not gender dependent, a mother’s love is not at all anything dependent. It is just love, pure love for her children. And hence you are the apple of my eye, my hero, my jigar ka tukda! I love you Sibby. You and Chirpy complete me, you my children paint my life with your love and I’m so loving this colourful life.

Yours,

Mamma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sibby-The First Letter

Dear Sibby,

Hello sweetheart 🙂 This is the first letter of a long series of letters that I’m going to write to you time to time. There are so many things I can keep talking to you, in my head, and then some of them make way here, in these letters and some remain in my heart, forever. Which I hope someday I’ll be able to recite to you, as is 🙂

Its been a month’s journey together, well, not exactly. To put it together, we’ve been together for almost 10 months now! So, a month’s journey face to face, let’s put it that way. It has been lovely, pensive, panic-ky, wondrous, funny and soothing. All in one go. You’ve been a peaceful and silent baby so far. All you want us to ensure is you are provided the milk timely, your poop and pee are cleaned at the very instant that you finish the task and you are left in profuse silence when asleep. How simple is that, no?Well, yeah! So far so good, we’ve been bonding well, I can safely say that and I get a feeling that you’re going to be a mamma’s boy like literally. Lot of people, actually make that all of them, say that you are on me, every inch. Though your Deda keeps finding traces of himself in you like the other day he said “you know I think his eyes are exactly like mine, you see the color, here? See!” Some or the other way he tries to find the resemblance and score a pointer to this his side, but all in vain 😉 He is very selfish that ways. As if Chirpy being totally like him is not enough for him to boast!!

You sleep most of the times, I mean that’s what you should be doing. Your carefree expressions while you are asleep are to die for! While you are awake, few hours of the day, you stare into silence. Somewhere in distance as if you are deep in your thoughts and one must not disturb you, at all. Oh, and when your Didu is around, you both click like kumbh ke bichade huye bhai behen. Seriously, how? I wonder. You guys connect so well, touch wood! There is something that Chirpy speaks with you and you instantly react cheerily as if you want to jump with joy. You feel happy in her presence and you follow her with your eyes as much as you can. She feels equally excited to talk to you, to touch you and kiss you. She wants to do everything for you right from cleaning your potty to changing your clothes to putting you to sleep. She sure loves you a lot Sibby, a lot ! 🙂

I feel all mushy seeing you two chat in your own language. And not only me, your Deda’s heart melts too. He feels so so contended to see you both that he turns to me and says a silent “thank you” 🙂 I love this moment, all four of us in the same moment, feeling happy and contended for our own reasons 🙂

Dear Sibby, welcome to the world. You are new here and there is a lot of you’ve got to see and understand. There are going to be good times, exciting times and then there will be some dull moments too in life, but that’s okay. As long as we have each other, things will get better when they are not, together we can cross all the hurdles, the power of family, togetherness is immense.

Stay happy, healthy and grow well dear baby. Mamma will try to write as many letters as she can, recording your moments, for herself and for you too to look back, in future 🙂

Let’s begin our journey 🙂

Yours Mamma.

Just Some Sweet Nothings…

…which really mean a lot!

^Chirpy is more than caring, acting like a beeg baby already and planning stuff to do in later days from now.

^She understands that she has to behave in a manner that she be called a good elder sister, every act and every thought now circled around this one thing : I’m a big sister and I’ve to be a good example.

^Books, Toys and now even clothes are categorically being sorted and kept aside for later use.

^The wait is long, she knows but she is patient, careful and helpful in my journey!

^She has a routine, which has not broken as yet, to start the day by wishing good morning and go on until she says good night to her younger sibling, she does it religiously, with so much passion and love!

^I feel emotional, teary eyed and thankful to the almighty for letting me experience these sweet nothings that life is offering to me, and I’m glad I’m able to hold these all and save in my heart!

Dear Chirpy, you are the first love of my life and you shall always be, no matter what, no matter who! You’re going to be the same to me, months and years later from now. I’ve loved you with my heart, and that love is reserved for you! You’ve a special place carved in my heart, which belongs only to you, and no one can reach there, trust me! Everything that you do and say , every little thing that you did first, is right here, etched in my mind, to never forget ! You are always going to be my first… nothing can change that my love!

Yours Mamma!

Dear Chirpy-Four And How…

Dear Chirpy,

You are soon going to be 4 now. A big girl indeed. We’ve had 4 happy joy ride years with you and I can’t express enough the happiness that you’ve given to us. We love you, to bits. 4 years back, at this time, I was so anxious, so eager to have you in my arms. I was waiting, counting each day by passing hours. It was time to keep a track of your movements and you my girl, entire 9 months you’ve been an awesome baby inside my tummy. And once out, you’ve been a non stop roller coaster of chirpy-ness and laughter and dher sari masti!

I  love your personality and I’m not saying this because I’m your mother but other than that as well, I love the person you are becoming. You are inquisitive, honest, straightforward, non-messy, de-tangled, moderately emotional, loving and giving! You are a giver, you love sharing your things with everyone that you know is close to you or us. You are fun loving, outgoing and total dance maniac.

All this combined is going to be a great girl altogether, I’m sure 🙂

There is always so much going on your mind. You’ll have umpteen number of questions for us and you want them to be answered right away. You know why I love this? Because that makes us think too and gives our thoughts a different perspective. I like talking to you, you are like me, a non stop chatterbox 🙂

And in all other ways, you take after your Deda. Intelligence, looks, honesty, smartness and loving nature.

When you were born, just very little, tiny bundle, I and your Deda used to talk debate about whom would you look like etc. And today we both are happy souls, why, because you’ve got right mix of both of us. You balanced us out and we couldn’t have settled down for anything better than this 🙂

Chirpy, today now that you are grown up from your past self, I would like to tell you that Mamma feels proud of you. Whatever you are, for that she loves you very much! Sometimes, Mamma feels scared, about raising a daughter in this kind of society, and feels insecure! But in hearts of hearts I know, things are going to be fine for all of us. We’re going to be that perfect family, happy, safe and experiencing simple joys of life. I know I kind of deviated from the actual and wrote something that maybe I should not have written right now, in this letter, after all this is your B’day letter, but then I just opened my heart to you, Mamma is being frank with you sweetie!

When you have a sibling, I’m sure you are going to rock that new role that you’ll have to play, for your entire life. You are a perfect elder sister any sibling can have. I wait for that day when I will see you playing with you sibling, sharing things and teaching new stuff to him/her. I know you long for one now, you understand the equation which has two people in a relationship where one is Didi and other is younger 🙂 You’ve got that from one of your best friends, SV. She is a sweet little girl, just like you, I know you both are going to be fast friends, in fact I want that to happen 🙂

So, all I’m saying is, time is running, you are growing up, no more our little bundle but a sweet little person. But always remember, for parents, their child is always a small baby, trust me, no matter how old you become, you’ll always remain our small little bundle of joy, our little princess!

We love you very much!

Happy 4th in advance darling 🙂

Yours

Aai.

…when the heart simply wants to be MUSHY :)

We’ve had very bad fights.We really are very very different. Poles apart would be a right thing to describe us, yet we are in a relationship since more than a decade now. We produced a beautiful child which is an apple of our eyes. She is our world and we revolve round her.

I feel really depressed, heavily sad at times when we are cross at each other. Primarily, because there are few things that I don’t approve in you, some of your thoughts, your concepts and behaviours. But that is true vice versa too. And that’s how it is between two people, between husband and wife.

Times of our fights are the times when I really tend to think what the hell is wrong with you. How insensitive you’ve becomes towards certain things. What do I do to change you etc. But when I calm down, my mind tells me, its the person you are that I fell in love with. That I decided to marry and take vows. That I feel proud my child has you as her father. So what if there are differences, they add spice to our lives, we bounce back in all mush and it kind of gives us a break from our routine and gives an excuse to celebrate our patch up.

Little fights, big arguments, light banters are so part of our relationship. And the mix of it is all what makes it what it is today for 14 years. Can you believe we know each other for that long now? I certainly don’t know how these years went by. Flew, actually. And there is yet so much to witness.

We’ve our dreams to come true. We’ve our second bub to come in this world. We’ve long parenting years and support each other in the drill. We’ve to watch so many movies, chat non stop late nights, have reading races like kids, have arguments to make for silly things, patch up with a kiss and hug each tight for no reasons, not talk for couple of days in a row, accuse each other for nothing, have each other to fall back in bad times, worry about our future as parents of teenage children, travel the world & explore, basically, we have so much remaining to do in our lives that we can’t afford to let the moments pass by just like that. There is so much to do which is going to be exciting.

I don’t want to think how my life would be without you, this is very hypothetical and no use in thinking that. Instead, I’m thinking what my life is with you in it and if I’ve to sum up, it is the you and me that makes prettier for both of us in this relationship. The best is I have you and you have me, the best it could be!

So what I’m saying is I love you for what you are with a little disagreement with some part of you 😉

 

Chirpy-ness 5

The conversations and discussions in our household are getting interesting day by day, with little Chirpy growing up with her growing logical reasoning and curiosities. I seriously do enjoy being a parent all the more now. It is like a new flavor in this whole parenting thing that has spiced it up yet again!

Incident 1: Last few days, Chirpy was after us to get home a ‘black&white’ as soon as possible. When we first heard this term, we obviously were clueless as to what she wanted, then we found out that she wanted a keyboard to play music. Now where she saw that, how this thing got into her head, we have no clue but as long as she is getting right things in her head, we are fine! So the discussion about buying a ‘black&white’ started. We first dilly-dallied a little, not to jump on her wishes immediately and all that, balanced parenting tricks or whatever! So we told her ok, let us see and etc. But we noticed that this continued for more than a week and that she was consistent on her fancy for the keyboard. Finally, we thought of really buying one for her. We looked for it online, talked to a few friends for advices/options and settled down on something that looked interesting on Amazon. Our instant thought was to get a toy keyboard for her but then we re-thought that since she is now growing up we should buy her a basic keyboard that would do good for her for say around 2-3 years and she might as well develop an interest in playing & learning it. So this is the lengthy background. Now cut to the conversation we had around this :

Chirpy: When are we getting the B&W for me?

Us: Today we shall order it online.

Chirpy: Okay, so when today?

Us: Right now princess, see Deda is doing it on the computer.

Chirpy: Keenly watching him order it.

Us: See this is the one you shall get home *showing her the image*

Chirpy: Ok great 🙂 What time it will come home today?

Us: Oh no,no, it will not come today, we’ve just ordered it aka purchased it. Now it will take 3-4 days to come home.

Chirpy: *baffled* But why so? You said you just paid the money from the computer!

Us: Yes darling but that’s how online shopping works. *telling her the concept of online shopping*

Chirpy: *discarding the idea of online shopping* huh, what use! If we go to the shop they will give you the B&W immediately when you give them the money!!! This online shopping is not good!

So, all the online shoppers, did you think of this flip-side of not doing the shopping exercise physically? Haha. Honestly, I really appreciate her logic. She is right, we say online is faster, doable, manageable on the go but ultimately we wait for a good 3-4 days to get our product in hand and sometimes more than this. Kids, seriously are genius and so purely logical in their approach, it surely is a time of relearning for us 🙂

Incident 2: She has just learnt the concept of the sport ‘langdi’  and was trying to do it yesterday. But within 5-10 mins she started crying saying that she is not able to do it perfectly and her other leg comes down faster. She wants to get it right, right away! We explained to her that she is doing it right and if she practices she’ll perfect it sooner. I also told her that even mamma learnt it very late, just thinking that this will give her some patience. But then, this is Chirpy, a toddler we are talking about, right? Here’s how the conversation went through:

Chirpy: *crying* I can’t get it right, why?

Us: You will get it right sweetie, just practice a little more.

Chirpy: No, No, No. I want to get it right now!

Us: Mamma also learnt it after lot of practice, this is how we learn. It is okay!

Chirpy: *raising her volume* Noooo, I want do it right now!!!

Us: See you learnt to ride your small cycle after a few days of practicing it, you learnt playing badminton after few days of practicing it, so it is the same with this as well.

Chirpy: *now highly irritated and totally not convinced with us* I don’t like this, I should learn it now, now, now!

We somehow diffused her irritation by again repeating the logic and diverting her to something else giving her assurance that we shall do it together tomorrow. But the whole point here is, the kid that she is sometimes gets too adamant and is not ready to listen. She has become demanding, from herself and wants everything to happen right away. In a way it is good that she wants perfection but the irritation that she feels makes me think what if this becomes her habit & compulsion to know/learn everything that may pull her down in big things in life later? Possibility no? I know this is a far fetched thought but you never know, this is a developmental stage that she is in and she might become the person she is carrying the perception and attitude of things right now. I hope as a parent I’m able to diffuse her going over board on expectations from herself, teach her balancing and channelize her energies in right direction at the right time! Who said parenting is a cake walk,anyone? 🙂

Chirpy-ness 4

Yesterday night’s conversation:

Me to Chirpy: He is my Husband
Chirpy : No way! He is my husband!!!!
Me: Areh, he is your deda, he is my husband and I’m his wife!
Chirpy: huh, I’m his wife, he is my husband!!! *stomping foot*
Me: Okay,so who is my husband then????? *feeling shocked*
Chirpy: Go out and find him, he is lost! *walks away*

Of course I’m left with nothing, maybe a good reason to find another husband 😉 lol