Things to Remember…

a go-to list for my own self, to not forget few things in life,ever!

  1. your mind and body need your time and attention
  2. life’s short, just live it to the fullest doing what you love to do
  3. never compromise on giving, give with your whole heart, what you want to give
  4. don’t expect returns on emotional investments
  5. work out, love your body, be a mindful eater
  6. read, that’s what you love
  7. get organized at personal level

Weak Or Strong?

I’ve a major confusion here. And a concern too. As far as I know myself, I’m a major emotional (fool!) and get attached to people who ‘claim’ that I’m their closes friend and they love me a lot and are so happy that I came into their lives etc. That said, not everyone in my life, like friends, are like this who only say all this but really mean too-its evident from their behavior and acts!

So the point here is, the moment I come into such zone with a friend/s I’m like totally impressed, get mushy and begin pouring all my love on them and start becoming available for them at once. And they love it too, but after a certain point what happens is my inside demon called ‘expectations’ starts showing its ugly face and haunts my thought process. I feel the way I show and speak out my love to my friends, they must reciprocate in the same manner and amount. They should show me that they feel for me and say it quite often-as I do and show from my behavior! And if things really happened that way, it would be an ideal world, right?

But only fact is, it is not! Having said this, I don’t mean to say  at all that my friends don’t care for me or are not bothered, but I very well understand that like I’ve my own way to do certain things, they have their own. Everyone after all is a different personality based on which one thinks, behaves and acts! And which is perfect, right?

My problem is that I expect and also when I feel that the emotions are not weighing equally or are not flowing in the same manner and amount, I assume that I should stop doing the way I do things. I start telling myself to not be myself, and that’s where the whole Am I right? Am I an emotional fool? debate starts in my head. And it moves on to I feeling weak and foolish about relationships. I’m in my second half of thirties and I think I’ve still not got it sorted out for myself, about the outer relationships saga and how to deal with them. I feel I’m still the same teenager who were confused about which path to take-left or right!

And while I’m kind of dwelling on this thought, the inner stronger and happier me tells me to just let it go and let people be. And it tells me to be strong and not feel low for such tiny things in life when I have better things to concentrate and invest time in.

So this weaker me gets a lecture from this stronger me and at the end of it all I’m all charged up and happy. But every debate and charge-up leaves me with questions-should I change? Can I alter my own person ? Can I stop being who am I? Do I think way too much than I should?

I’m constantly trying to figure out what kind of person should I become so that my mind will be at peace and I’ll not feel emotional or sad or unsorted. Or I should just alter my expectations from relationships and carry on the rest and be happy. I look other people around wherein they are so sorted out and clear about their life and people in them that I’ve never come across them talking about such things. They don’t get affected with what others think or say or feel AND if they feel in the same manner as them. Can I ever become that person ? Is becoming that tough?

High Voltage Planning

Ha, don’t go by the post title, you are not going to find anything juicy or spicy in this post to savor !

Oh before I forget, I just finished reading the third book of Clifton Series by Jeffrey Archer! God only knows how slow I’ve got in reading a tiny book (300 odd pages!) Anyway, since I finished the book after 3 months now (!) it needed a mention (and a pat on my back) 😉

So coming back to the high voltage planning thing. The point here is my ideal kind of mother is who picks her kids from school, drops them to their extra curricular sessions, reads in between while waiting for them to finish their sessions and finds some time in all this chaos for catching up with her girl friends and then is all available for her own self/husband to do whatever she wishes and loves to do 🙂

So for me, this is the mother I’ve always wanted to become in my life unlike now, where I’m least seen in my kids’ life in the week..oh wait I’ve a word for my kind of mother-I’m a Weekender Mom! Yeah, right, I’m that. Not that I don’t love my kids and blah blah.. I just love being myself and I cherish working in corporate world, that’s the whole point!

So while I’m (still) in this dilemma of whether to quit this full-time -attention-demanding job or not, I think I’m balancing it quiet well at both ends, or so I think!

But really, when I think deep, I really want to quit this full time job, do only a little amount of work (to utilize my education and maintain my sanity) and give rest of the time to myself and kids and family and everything else! So you ask where’s the problem, when I know what I want so why don’t I just grab it? That’s the whole problem I say.. I know what I want, I know how to reach there and get it BUT (yeah, these buts are always ther,duh!) I also know, how a person like me will react once I’ve got what I’d wanted!

I will feel empty when both my kids will leave for school and for their activities, when my husband will leave for his full time job, so its then that I’ll look at myself and say look what you’ve done to yourself, you’ve nothing to do and no where to go, tsk tsk! This you see? I fear this, I fear being in that place, I fear losing my position in my own eyes, I fear not having a schedule at hand, I fear emptiness!

This fear is holding me back, I’m unable to take that plunge. I don’t know if I would fair well if I break the boundaries. I don’t know if I’ll be sane if I start doing nothing! I know for the fact that being a homemaker is a big job at hand which is not everyone’s cup of tea, just on the outside it looks like sitting at home and doing nothing but in reality it takes a lot to run around people and manage the home!

I’ve always felt that being at office is much easier as compared to being at home, at office I’ve things and people at my beck and call and I mostly don’t have to lift my finger to get things done (apart from typing constantly on computer and placating cribbing employees!) Whereas, being at home is like doing the mental math and Science drawings at the same time, you know what I mean ?

And its evident from past 12+ years that I love working in office, I love having a schedule and a very busy at that, I love being around people all the time with new tasks and problems at hand, I love all this! So, when you love something so much, where do you begin to leave that behind ? Because in my case, I’m in love with what I do yet I yearn to be at other side which looks pretty attractive too!

Is this being greedy and indecisive and all such things in life? But anyway, today when I was getting ready for work, I thought of lot of my friends who have given up their full time sassy jobs for one or the other reasons and are now full time/part time mums and doing something they love and found their peace in it. So, that’s not really difficult, right? You certainly make some sacrifices, but that you make in corporate world too when you own a full time job, no?

So nothing is 100% perfect and beautiful, I’ll have to take that step and be brave to move ahead on the path I really want to walk on. I will need to be courageous, compromising with certain things in life and making peace with what I chose by not looking back and cribbing!

I need to plan step by step to do this and I’m starting today… this post here shall help me, if at all I stumble and get confused, I want to write down what I intend to do and how I intend to take things ahead… but this time I really want to move ahead in life this way..

C for Consistency!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The toughest thing to conquer in my life is : Consistency!

I’m amazed with the dedication I can be inconsistent at things. I don’t have to put efforts, at all and I will be easily inconsistent, before even I know! How beautiful is it, no?

You know I’m a little confused personality, no by this I don’t mean I’m confused in life, I mean that as a personality I’m very confusing! (that’s the correct way to put it!) . Why do I say this? I’ll tell you,

As a person I’m very very organized, particular and severely suffer from OCD-when it comes to work, managing home and organizing things.

As a person I’m very very lazy, disorganized and not at all particular and suffer from severe procrastination syndrome-when it comes to my own self!

So if you had to look at me and judge me psychologically, what would you say ? Crazy! Exactly, that’s what I’m.

When it comes to work or home, I’m so particular, I can not sleep before things are kept at their right places, kitchen platform is cleaned, utensils at their right places in right manner, my work desk looks like I’ve never sat there or worked, my papers are neatly labelled and stacked, my drawers at work and at home are properly arranged, all our clothes  ( yes I do this for all 4 of us!) are organized color wise and what not! You get the drift, right? So I’m consistent here, totally and 100%!

When it comes to reading, exercising, eyebrow threading or hair cuts and pedicures? Ah, you got it before I even said it 🙂 I’m like “who cares!” which actually is not right, cause these things, esp. exercising does matter, sigh! So I’m royally inconsistent here, without a nerve or muscle of regret which irks me so much so that I sometimes feel I’m two persons in one body!

Scary enough, no ? But the fact remains, I’m superbly inconsistent and I hate that about myself 😦

Is this me, really ?

You know there are times when you say or do something that later you realize was so not your type? Does this often happen to you ? Well, it surely happens to me, if not a lot, but very regularly.

And it is only in terms of saying or doing bad things, sometimes its also about good things. And then you look back and realize you are capable of doing such nice things too, surprised because you never thought of doing it or never said it!

Just couple of days back while driving back from work, at a traffic signal there was this balloon vendor, a boy not more than 15 years old, he looked me in the eye and kind of pleaded to buy the balloon/s. I initially thought only from Chirpy’s perspective and thought oh we just bought her a balloon the other day and its still lying somewhere in the house..so we don’t need one right away, maybe some other time dude, and I looked elsewhere. Thanks to the signal length, I was there for almost 2 mins, which gave me time to re-think on my decision. I again looked at the guy, who somehow had got stuck to selling the balloon/s to me, i rolled down the glass and asked him how much is he selling one for, he said Rs.10 and if I buy two he’d give me for Rs. 15. I was like, for that one quick second said, areh yarr, give 2 for Rs. 10 and something inside me kind of literally hit me hard. Within a fraction of second I said Ok I’ll buy, but the signal turned to green light and I had to proceed, but I signalled him to meet me at the other side of the signal and you should have seen the way he ran, to reach to the other side, before I reached and ensured that i don’t just drive away without buying, the look in his eyes, while he looked back twice to confirm whether I was still behind him, the expressions on his face stating how happy he was with the thought that he would earn some money… I was moved, beyond any expression!

The moment I reached to the other side, I bought two balloons and without any discussion gave him Rs. 20. He smiled at me and I got my deepest “Thank You” from him! I would never forget that look on his face, the smile on his lips and the gratitude in his eyes!

I just reminded myself that when I can shop in big stores without blinking an eye at the prices or without a slightest thought of bargaining, then why should I bargain with a person who is not only selling the goods on road but his sweat and blood too with all honesty!

I loved myself very much that day, I made a promise to myself, to not bargain with street vendors like him and especially definitely not for such petty money!

So good things or bad, there are times when you are reminded of being you, the you that might be hiding somewhere behind you and then you tend to ask, was it me, really? 🙂

T for Time

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

So this post is for T for Time, making time for things that I love to do, things that I feel that I was born (yeah yeah, cliched and all that!)

When I checked the last post date on this blog, it was in September and today we are in November, exactly almost 2 months later. This blog has been eating dust, lying around like lazies and the owner, that is me, is not at all bothered of my child which I gave birth to with all enthusiasm when I most needed it and now when this child of mine needs me, I’m royally ignoring it, how nice of me is that?

So, no matter how long and serious enough I thought of writing on this blog, I acted like one crazy lazy bum and never kind of paid heed to actually setting the priorities right. So what brought me to write this post here, today?

Well, you can say it takes super crazy blogger friends for me to pick up my bum, do some jig and give my fingers some exercise by taking up NaBloPoMo November challenge with my girls’ gang!

You can check them out here, yeah call me lazy, that toh I’m, very much! So here’s the list of blogs that are going to be up and shining for you readers to read every day with smashing new posts 🙂 All thanks to the one lady who managed to pull all of us together in this madness, Swaram!

So along with writing on blog, I have to also tell myself to start, actually re-start, reading. I feel shameful to admit that I had given up on reading in past few months. This year has been disastrous in terms of reading, only 8 books so far, what was I doing for 10 months in 2016, I’ve no clue whatsoever!

I feel sad when I look back and have nothing to cherish when it comes to books. They’ve always had special place in my life and even after that I managed to send them to the back seat where they really don’t deserve to be! That said, this didn’t stop my from buying books, I did buy a lot of them this year, but again only buying in loading the library for no reason is not good, right?

I know this is not the time for new year resolutions but I’m going to make 1 today, right now.

I will make time to read and write!

and this is not because I must because I’ve so many books or because I’ve this blog, but really, because I want to do it, from the bottom of my heart! Writing is therapeutic, I feel saner when I write what I’m feeling, be it bad or good. Reading, I don’t need to express what it feels to read a good book and have it settle down in your mind, where it stays with you!

I want to be me again, somewhere in the race of life, I’m losing myself by not devoting time for myself. Not that anyone’s restricting or there are any boundaries, just that I’ve become lazy, sheer lazy to get up move it!

So, yes, T is for Time, making time for things I love-Reading and Writing!

 

 

That’s How Confusing I Can Get !

Life’s taken a new turn. Normally, I’m a person who loves to explore new things, move around and stay inquisitive about the unknown. But then, on the other hand I’m the one who dislikes change, I like to dwell in my comfort zone, something I’ve worked my way through and have set up the strings to suit the environment. I like known people, otherwise it takes me a little time to get to know them, for me to open up and be myself. So its genuine that once I’ve done so much of work in knowing the unknown and letting people in my life, I’ve to leave… and then be at a new place to start the same exercise from the step 0, that’s a little too much, no?

Well, but right now I’m at exactly that stage-I’m at a new place, settling down, knowing new people and working my way through! I’ve changed jobs. I’ve taken up something bigger, better and brighter, or so it seems right now 🙂 Ok well, it is that! It was around 2-3 months of dilemma-tic debate in my mind about my thoughts and feelings that I decided to take this up. Even until the last day I was not sure if I did the right thing, to leave my past Co. and join a new one! Leave alone the last day, on the 2nd day at my new place I was like  “I think I’ve made a mistake, I’ve to go back to my old job”

So people, this is me, a little weird yet normal 😉 Today’s 3rd at work and I’m as chirpy as a bird and excited to start work and I’m already thinking to be here for a long time! How confusing do I sound? 🙂

Wish me luck, I’ve taken a bigger responsibility and the new people have lot of faith in me, I want to have the same faith in me to prove everyone right! I want to do good work and shine bright in whatever I do, I want to feel good about myself when I look back after a year and smile that I made the right decision of my career!

What’s up with you guys? Anything new that you must share? Bring it on…

As Confusing As It May Get…

Its been a little more than a month that I became a mother of two. Exciting as it may sound, it sure it great to be at this stage of life yet a little confusing at times. Especially for a person like me, I guess feeling confused, odd at times and feeling squarish peg in the round hole is quite normal. I’m random, I know that very well. My thoughts fluctuate often but that said, my decision don’t get hamper due to this and I’m firm on what I choose for myself. So being a second time mother was my conscious decision and I stand for it even today, not because I don’t have a choice now, but really. But feeling confused is something I can’t give up in my life, ever. Today I feel confused for having two children to cater to. Whether I’ll be doing a good job or not? Whether I’ll be able to do it right or no? I know there is no right way to pin point the method of bringing up children but the dilemma exist.

I’m fully aware that I’m not a 100% mother material and I’ve accepted this fact and made peace with it. I’m not the one who can run around the clock and only  look after my children and tend to them. But, I love them. I’m around when they need me, for feeding, playing, doing the art projects, homework, taking them to malls and zoos and holidays and reading them books, cooking their fav dish etc. All this in proportion to giving myself space for reading, watching movies, meeting my girl friends and going to office. I guess this is fair, no? Being a mother doesn’t mean losing one’s own individuality, right?

Past few days I’m feeling a little bit guilty about all these things, you know, wanting to be myself, giving myself the required time and all that. I feel my children will not stick to me like generally children should to their mothers, like normally they feel about their mothers. As if their mothers are the only creatures on earth they’ve seen or known! On the second hand, I ask myself, do I want my children to be like that? Like all clingy and emotional about their mom being around 24*7? The answer is a clear and big no. Then why do I feel guilty otherwise?  Like for this very instant : When I’m writing this, my little one, Sibby, is lying beside me..playful and on his own. What a scene it is, the mother on her laptop, lavishly writing a blog and the little buns, independently playing and letting his mum be! Who would not want this sight in real? And here I’m, feeling guilty… what for by the way?

See, I told you, I’m one confused soul!

 

Unnecessary Absurdity

3 days in a row. 3 days and I’m behaving like a stupid woman. Without reasons I’m acting finicky about everything that is happening in my life and in my surroundings. I cried, I shouted and I threw tantrums. Not only at home but some what at office also I showed a little weird behaviour. What’s wrong with me? Why am I getting this stupid in my behaviour I don’t know.

People around me are my loved ones. They understand and they are taking it all with a smile on their face. They know that I’m preggers and that I’m bound to behave like this. They know that I’m on my last last leg, just about 10 days from the D-day and hence my hormones must be acting mixed up.

But what about me? Why am I behaving like this? Why are they supposed to take all this from me? They don’t deserve this kind of treatment, this kind of BS from me. I behaved a little stupid with Chirpy too yesterday and that was the heights of it. I said that “I’m not your Mamma so please go to your Daddy“. How rude, how wicked and how idiotic is that to say to a child of 4YO? I’m completely out of mind! I’m going nuts and I hate it. I hate myself for being so mean to people around me.

God, please save me! Please don’t let me break down like this. This could be fatal, for Chirpy. She will not understand and she is not supposed to understand my state. She is too young and I’m too old to behave like this with her.

I want strength to go on for next 10 days. I want to be happy for the unborn too. It must be feeling all that I’m feeling.

God please grant me the serenity to behave and stay normal. I want to be a good mother to my kids. I want to be a good wife to my husband who is doing so much day and night just to be by my side in however way he can be.

I’m in tears but I don’t want to cry. I’m in distress but I don’t want to feel sad. I want to smile and wait through the remaining time to reach out to the other end of this journey. Life is going to be good, different and I want to be ready to embrace it.

I guess I’m simply mentally tired and physically too. And I’m still working in office, so maybe it is adding it up. Or maybe I’m just going crazy about nothing! Or I’m eagerly waiting for the new baby. Or all of it together! I’ve no clue, I feel helpless!

Lessons Learnt in Life! Looking Back-7

My life has not been easy. I’ve seen a lot in my life and it has been a tough journey for a long time, in the mid years when I was naive and vulnerable. So much so that I wasn’t even aware if I was walking the right path or not. If I was taking right decisions and if I was led by right people, well, on people, maybe I had right people with me but I wasn’t completely sure if the solutions they provided or the paths they chose for me were perfectly right. But I went with the flow and tried to sail hard in crests and troughs of my tough life.

Now when I look back, about 15 years back, I feel nothing for that time. I feel no pain, no ache or no shame either. I don’t feel shy in mentioning or admitting that I had a tough time. Is it because I passed with flying colours? Or is it because I’ve matured in a manner that all that doesn’t matter to me any more? Or maybe because the people who kept going with me in my bad times, the people that I’ve today in my life, knowing everything about me, stand strongest for me, till date?

Whatever the reason, some part of the credit I give to myself. I feel proud to have come out through it all untouched or unblemished. My character, my conscience, my thoughts and my whole being remained the same pure thing that I was made in my childhood. I still follow the values instilled in me and I’ve never deterred from being honest, truthful and just. There’s a lot that I learnt from that long episode of my life, the major part of my teenage life that dawned upon me at the time when I needed most pampering, shouldering and guidance. But since I was chosen to bear the brunt, I took that up as a challenge. I faced it with courage, which by the way I’m not sure came from where, and I was determined to be happy, whatsoever. The first and foremost lesson that I learnt then was “no one has the power to make me unhappy, but me”  And till date I believe in it. That said, it doesn’t mean I never feel let down or sad, I do, but the only advantage is I come out of it pretty soon, sooner actually. I  see the other sides, brighter sides and acquire peace of mind to analyse the situation in terms of solving the issue and not just mull over it for hours and days!

Secondly, I learnt that “no person is bad, the situation makes him/her act accordingly“. This doesn’t mean everyone around us is an angel. But yes, some or the other way people are forced to behave in certain manner that they do. The situation that they are in, the emotional baggage they are carrying on their heads and in their hearts and the people they are surrounded with play a major part in what they think and do.

Third and very important lesson that I keep close to my heart is “you should own all your decisions, for which you should make yourself capable enough to take all your decisions” This is for the fact that no one should be so much important for you in life that they become a dictator. People should be able to suggest, guide and help you choose but not do the finalization for you or on your behalf. According to my experiences so far, it becomes easy for everyone to keep life sorted out if the decisions are made and owned by oneself. Then there is no blaming and playing dirty games. No asking why you did that and why you did not tell me this.

Last but not the least, I’ve realized that “relationships are very important in our lives and we must give them due credit. They are not to be taken for granted, they are to be cherished! In any relationship, two people are responsible to make it work, it cannot be alive one sided.” Nothing needs to be explained what I feel about this one fact. Relationships are the essence of our lives, go anywhere, be whatever!

Apart from all the above, I’ve come to realize that their lies a power within yourself. To guide you when you feel low, hold your hand when you need the most and lift you when think the whole world has drowned you out. One has to look within, to find peace and solace, to find traces of strength that already exists, to ruffle carve the needed paths for yourself. One is equipped with all the powers one needs to overcome hurdles in life. Moreover, without hurdles, life ain’t nice and all that, trust me. If there are hurdles, there are breakthroughs. If there are hurdles, there is positivism. If there are hurdles, there is strength. If there are hurdles, there is value of peace!

Today, when I look at myself I feel happy. I feel empowered because I survived the major hurdles in my life that could have crushed me under their unfair weight. I feel it is justified that I’ve a peaceful life now, and that I’ve earned it well. I feel well equipped with the knowledge and skills to educate my children to be strong enough to be able to carry themselves in every situation with grace and pride.

Honestly, in my tough times, I never asked Almighty “why me”. Though I always wondered, “why me? am I so capable to take this all?” Maybe this is what kept me going. And I would pray to God to be there with my, in my thick and thin and guide me when I falter!