K-H-N-H,really!

Last week, I heard a very very bad news. One of my Human Resource group acquaintance committed suicide, she was going through some financial problems and along with her mother and brother, they did this crime! All three succumbed to poison!

Was it so bad that she had to take this step etc. is a separate matter to think through. Or why people like her do what they do, is not in our hands or know!

What made me write about it here is this :

I had met her only twice so far since we were introduced, in our HR networking events and we are a part of HR group on WhatsApp. So this lady had messaged me a month back on WhatsApp, asking me to make some time for she wanted to discuss something with me (related to performance review process, as hinted by her). We did have a brief call too, but we planned to make a proper call and discuss whatever she had to discuss with me, laters.

So then, past one month we kept on “planning” this call of ours. Some times she was not available and other times I was running short of time and last week, I get this ugly news!

I was shocked beyond explanation. My heart stirred. I felt terribly guilty about not talking to her, not making time and not putting efforts for making that call. After this incident took place, I felt terrible! Mighty terrible.

I learnt that the time is today, now. We can’t and should not keep postponing talking to people or attending them. Whatever difference you can make to their lives, in any which way, professionally/personally, you’ve to do it then and there. Now that line really sinks in so well Kya Pata Kal Ho Na Ho!

I really wish I could turn back time and call her once.

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C for Consistency!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The toughest thing to conquer in my life is : Consistency!

I’m amazed with the dedication I can be inconsistent at things. I don’t have to put efforts, at all and I will be easily inconsistent, before even I know! How beautiful is it, no?

You know I’m a little confused personality, no by this I don’t mean I’m confused in life, I mean that as a personality I’m very confusing! (that’s the correct way to put it!) . Why do I say this? I’ll tell you,

As a person I’m very very organized, particular and severely suffer from OCD-when it comes to work, managing home and organizing things.

As a person I’m very very lazy, disorganized and not at all particular and suffer from severe procrastination syndrome-when it comes to my own self!

So if you had to look at me and judge me psychologically, what would you say ? Crazy! Exactly, that’s what I’m.

When it comes to work or home, I’m so particular, I can not sleep before things are kept at their right places, kitchen platform is cleaned, utensils at their right places in right manner, my work desk looks like I’ve never sat there or worked, my papers are neatly labelled and stacked, my drawers at work and at home are properly arranged, all our clothes  ( yes I do this for all 4 of us!) are organized color wise and what not! You get the drift, right? So I’m consistent here, totally and 100%!

When it comes to reading, exercising, eyebrow threading or hair cuts and pedicures? Ah, you got it before I even said it 🙂 I’m like “who cares!” which actually is not right, cause these things, esp. exercising does matter, sigh! So I’m royally inconsistent here, without a nerve or muscle of regret which irks me so much so that I sometimes feel I’m two persons in one body!

Scary enough, no ? But the fact remains, I’m superbly inconsistent and I hate that about myself 😦

Unnecessary Absurdity

3 days in a row. 3 days and I’m behaving like a stupid woman. Without reasons I’m acting finicky about everything that is happening in my life and in my surroundings. I cried, I shouted and I threw tantrums. Not only at home but some what at office also I showed a little weird behaviour. What’s wrong with me? Why am I getting this stupid in my behaviour I don’t know.

People around me are my loved ones. They understand and they are taking it all with a smile on their face. They know that I’m preggers and that I’m bound to behave like this. They know that I’m on my last last leg, just about 10 days from the D-day and hence my hormones must be acting mixed up.

But what about me? Why am I behaving like this? Why are they supposed to take all this from me? They don’t deserve this kind of treatment, this kind of BS from me. I behaved a little stupid with Chirpy too yesterday and that was the heights of it. I said that “I’m not your Mamma so please go to your Daddy“. How rude, how wicked and how idiotic is that to say to a child of 4YO? I’m completely out of mind! I’m going nuts and I hate it. I hate myself for being so mean to people around me.

God, please save me! Please don’t let me break down like this. This could be fatal, for Chirpy. She will not understand and she is not supposed to understand my state. She is too young and I’m too old to behave like this with her.

I want strength to go on for next 10 days. I want to be happy for the unborn too. It must be feeling all that I’m feeling.

God please grant me the serenity to behave and stay normal. I want to be a good mother to my kids. I want to be a good wife to my husband who is doing so much day and night just to be by my side in however way he can be.

I’m in tears but I don’t want to cry. I’m in distress but I don’t want to feel sad. I want to smile and wait through the remaining time to reach out to the other end of this journey. Life is going to be good, different and I want to be ready to embrace it.

I guess I’m simply mentally tired and physically too. And I’m still working in office, so maybe it is adding it up. Or maybe I’m just going crazy about nothing! Or I’m eagerly waiting for the new baby. Or all of it together! I’ve no clue, I feel helpless!

Ugly..Totally Ugly Thoughts!!

I don’t know why this is happening to me. It is scary and doesn’t make any sense, yet it is there in my head and I’m so so horrified with it all.

I have been getting bad thoughts, real bad thoughts, about Chirpy since a few days now. And these are not dreams, these are thoughts that I get when I’m totally awake, very well in my senses and alone. The train of my thoughts take me such weird imaginations, I can’t believe! Maybe I’m reading / watching wrong stuff these days, when I’m not? Maybe these are hormones working on me? Maybe I’m emotionally worked up?

I’ve no clue why! But it is all very scary. I cry incessantly when I get these thoughts and I feel insecure about Chirpy’s safety. I feel something bad will happen to her. She’ll be in danger. She’ll be not safe when is out of the house. I’m acting finicky as a result and that’s more scary because this can shake up the otherwise cool and confident Chirpy, and God knows I never want that!

God, I ask for emotional strength from you, especially now when it is much much needed. I want you to keep my babies safe. I want everyone to be happy around. I want to get rid of these ugly thoughts. I want to smile and be happy. I want to think good and keep my mind clutter free. God, please help me help myself.

I need to learn…

Sometimes my mind wanders unnecessarily, to unnecessary corners where it is not at all required to invest my energies. Sometimes, it is not even a thing to be bothered about but I still do. Why? What for? Is that a personality trait that will die with me only?

I want to push away negative thoughts, never let them touch me, whatsoever, but the kind of person that I’m, I myself attract thoughts that give me headache. My imagination powers so strong that I can even think of something that is probably not going to happen whatsoever in future!

I’ve this thing for relationships. I fall deep in them. Nothing wrong at this stage too. Just that I want other person also to feel the same as I do for the relationship. I expect, yes that’s THE problem. I expect and people don’t bother that much as to how I feel about their behaviour or actions and why should they, seriously why should they think of me, who am I to them?

I fall for them, my choice, my fault! I should not blame anyone but myself for this!

Also, on top of it, I also don’t know how to move on. I’m a sucker of emotions and I hate losing friends. I hate breaking relationships and I detest any sadness that surrounds it.

Basically, I want the world to work the way I want it too, haha! I want everything to be hunky dory, to be smooth as ice-cream and people to be as emotional as I feel about them!

See so many expectations from people that I forget to be practical and live my life peacefully. There are friends that mind something and then turn your back at you, forever.

Maybe I hurt them deeply, maybe something I did that disturbed them, they too are human beings and they get hurt too, right? So, I can demand them to be always happy with me or keep talking to me whatsoever! I should get this right!

I need to learn to accept that there are relationships that go wrong, there are friends that turn their backs on you, there are things that hurt your friends no matter how simple they seem to you! I need to learn to stop clinging to each person that I care for… I need to stop caring for each person that comes in my life, that’s important I think!!!

What do you do when faced with such situations? Are you emotional or practical? What’s your take on such situations?

 

Mid Week Break; And The Silence of My Weak Thoughts

Today I’m on leave, an unplanned, non urgent (but important) leave. I was thrilled at the start of the day when I realized no typical rush would fill my morning hours and there would be no ‘reaching to office’, ‘reaching to school’ on time would dance on my mind.

The day began and the first thing I did was to pick my book which is just about to finish, the thought of being able to do the review just today itself gave me that ‘high’ and I was elated.

I read, I did a little cleaning here and there, tended Chirpy to her breakfast, we both read our own books lying side by side on the bed 🙂 directed the cook for lunch and again read books!

Then I watered plants in garden… while I was doing that happily, I realized how important it is for a homemaker to be around and tend to every little thing that is at home, living or non living. I recollected (and realized) how my mother did this all happily all these years and never complained of not doing anything with her life and not having any aim etc etc.

She was always there when we needed her, when her plants needed, to direct the house-help, to serve us warm food on time, to listen to our non stop chatter and to take all our tantrums, to do everything, you know!

I think of myself, in the period when I was not working. And I recall that was a bad phase for me, I could not sit at home and have no schedule at all. That maybe because Chirpy was not born and I was not a mother to cater to her child, but overall I think I’m of the kinds who can’t sit at home. I mean I can’t be a homemaker, I think I would do average in that section but as a professional I’m doing great and I’m loving it.

Did my mother never felt the urge to step out? Never felt that she has to do something out of her life? I wonder and then realize, we were her world and that being around was what she termed as ‘doing something’ and because of that how blessed lives we had! My father never stopped her from picking up a job, ours has always been a very open and freedom oriented family, so she was free to choose her life as she wanted to, and I see that she chose us!

It is a constant dilemma in all women’s mind, I’m sure, to be at home for children or to go out and pursue their careers. Some make it clean with distinct priorities and some do not make clean because of needs and sometimes because of confusion.

I fall in the first category, largely and a minor portion makes me fall in to the need category. The need of money, the need of maintaining the sanity, the need of not losing oneself by losing oneself in the corporate world!

Did you get what I’m trying to say? Well….

All I could recall at the end of my thought process was, our happy garden back then, smiling green plants, lovely blooming flowers and smiling and contended family! Today, even I have a happy garden but that is tended by maali baba, I too have a smiling and happy child but mostly tended by her grandmother!

Sigh!

 

 

The Revision Theory!

Dear Mind,

I know you are the sharpest part of the body and you control things around in here. I know you’re the boss and entire bunch of organs pretty much owe it to you, thanks for that, no really!

I’m happy that you are still young and rocking and I totally count on you for every tiny thing that I do in my life, to help me remember things, to offer me the common sense when required and to always pad me up, when I’m in trouble, with the dash of presence of mind! Touchwood for all your support 🙂

Just one thing that I wan’t you to note that please be kind and not revise all the hurtful things that happened to us. Can we just let those things be? Maybe let them lie in the back of your corner, somewhere. I don’t wan’t you to delete them, I know you cannot, cause apparently God forgot to install a ‘delete’ button in you, I totally understand your misery about that. But can we please lose somethings, like I do sometimes, you know, lose things like a key chain or a clutch or anything.

I would love to see you loosen up your grip, don’t be too hard on memories, we’re talking the bad ones here. I know things happen, they go wrong in life, relationships break and people go separate ways, dreams crash and plans fail. But we still live and find new happiness, leaving the bad moments behind. But when you pull them out from the back seat and bring them forth, that’s when the trouble starts. I’m taken back to that very moment and then, you know how it is, don’t you?

All that analysis of who and what went wrong, of why friends are not friends anymore, of why certain things did not happen the way I wanted them to be and etc. etc.

So, all I’m saying here is I wan’t you to stop revising things from the past. I want you to stay calm and happy and look forward in the future. You know in this revision process your bestie, heart, also feels hurt, every single time your revise! Maybe the heart is too soft to say it upfront to you, but it wants you to cut down on this revision theory! It wants to be happy and fluttering 🙂

Will accept this application of ours? I’m hopeful that you’ll 🙂

Yours,

Heart & Me !

 

I Stand Guilty !

Today is a bad day for me! Well, in actual sense for Chirpy! I did something today which I had never thought of doing it anytime soon or maybe never. I slapped her!

And no I’m not going to tell myself that it is okay.That it is okay to get irritated, to get angry and to get mad at a 2 year old! It is okay to slap that 2 year old because I could not control my anger! Because I could not hold my hand just when I should have!

No!

I’m feeling terrible, sine that moment on! I’m feeling awful, guilty and like a bad human being! It is not about being a bad mother, it is about a temperamental 32 years old grown up who hit a child in anger and irritation !

I have no rights in doing that. I have no rights hitting any human being for a petty reason. I have no such rights, really!

And no I’m not going to be melodramatic here and hit my own hand or hurt myself drowning in guilt. Instead I’m writing it all here so that I can remember, the next time my hand goes up I should be aware that what I did earlier was not something I liked about myself.

In an instant I picked her up and caressed her cheek. It was deep red then. I felt a tweak in my heart, I said sorry to her and kissed her. I told her how mamma is sorry for this behavior and why she did what she did. I also told her that mamma will remember not to repeat it again.

On the other hand Chirpy cried for a moment, hugged me tight, stuck to me for the rest of the while and slept in my lap later. She smiled at me before entering the dream world and I thought that was really really needed, for if she would not have smiled, I would not have felt forgiven!

Children really are so pure, so away from egos and hurts and revenges! They don’t understand all such things and that’s why maybe they are called form of God?

Anyway, I’m terribly sorry for what I did today. Husband doesn’t know about it yet, I’m sure he’ll not like it. He doesn’t like hitting children in general, well nobody does, but he is the kinds who can get extremely angry yet not raise the hand!!! But I shall confess this to him, not for getting rid of the guilt but registering the fact with him that I went wrong!

 

Yet Again The Questions Are Staring At Me!

Yet another experience of heartbreaking, yet another cycle of questions and answers, yet another sitting of discussions on what went wrong!

I often hear people generally making pun around ‘what does HR really have to do? Their job is really the easiest-just recruit, hire and then do the paper work!’

Coming to actually performing the HR functions takes one through the grind of it all. No job is easy, no field is a cake walk. Every where there are challenges, there are road blocks and there are tough tasks lined up!

Especially in HR I feel the toughest job is to FIRE! Yes, telling someone that you’re not perfect, that you have some shortcomings and that we can’t afford having imperfection around! Ha, quiet opposing to the theory of life: No one’s perfect in this world, right?

Firing has always been tough for me and the heart really aches to see the other person sit on opposite you, numb and helpless! But that’s a part of my job and I can’t possibly escape it!

Every firing leaves a mark on my mind with a message. With an imprint to remember life long! This time it is “You can’t be too good to be true as an HR professional, you gotta be playing by the mind as well!”

Also, every firing session make me look back and within. How good a team lead am I? Where did I fail as an HR professional to train, retain and retrain employees?

I know in toto it is not my fault, or for that matter it is nobody’s fault, cause things happen!

But the questions remain etched in the mind and today I’m trying to yet again answer the questions! I know I’m being too idealistic thinking that there should never come a situation where HR needs to fire,ha! I must belong to a fairyland 🙂

 

Is it a generation thing?

Recently when I was interviewing candidates in order to augment the team, I came across 2 candidates, in their early 30s,who were divorced.

This was just a couple weeks back and y’day I got a call from my friend stating that her sister, all in her late twenties, got divorced in 2 years of her love marriage.

2 months back we had a person joining in the organization who also had the same story to narrate.

Was generally discussing this with the big boss, on a lighter note, and pat came the reply that this is generation problem!  I knew he was kidding at that moment but I could not resist and probed him. He still maintained the same thing and then I said excuse me I too belong to the same generatio, so what do you want to say? To which he replied saying all these girls that you’ve mentioned are at least a year or two younger to you and these days even a couple of years gap becomes a generation gap!

It made me think, on two notes:

  1. Why are divorce rates going high?
  2. 2-3 years age gap and we call it another generation altogether, really?

What’s your point of view? Is it a generation gap? Is it more earning power and independence that we are gathering these days? Is it low value of relationship and longivity? Is it because of easy access to such solutions that we make haste in arriving at these? Is it something called young blood and Gen X type things?

Adding to above numbers I’ve also couple of more friends to add to the list divorcees. I also had done a post 2 years back on the same…(somehow I’m unable to tag the link here so posting it as it is) https://stockpilinglife.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/exactly-when/

When I wrote the above post  maybe I had a very little thought process around it or the thoughts were half baked ! That said, even today I realize that of course very dire situations call for necessary separation, understood! But in general I’ve also come across some cases where in even a lower level of arguments or time spending together have become issues and led to separations.

Have we become less tolerant to listening to NO or bending down for the partner? Does it really have to do with the individual earning capabilities?

I’m sure in any case, it is really tough to go through a separation. And no one goes ahead and enjoys the status but can the couple, in toto, prevent arriving at this hard juncture of life?