…when the heart simply wants to be MUSHY :)

We’ve had very bad fights.We really are very very different. Poles apart would be a right thing to describe us, yet we are in a relationship since more than a decade now. We produced a beautiful child which is an apple of our eyes. She is our world and we revolve round her.

I feel really depressed, heavily sad at times when we are cross at each other. Primarily, because there are few things that I don’t approve in you, some of your thoughts, your concepts and behaviours. But that is true vice versa too. And that’s how it is between two people, between husband and wife.

Times of our fights are the times when I really tend to think what the hell is wrong with you. How insensitive you’ve becomes towards certain things. What do I do to change you etc. But when I calm down, my mind tells me, its the person you are that I fell in love with. That I decided to marry and take vows. That I feel proud my child has you as her father. So what if there are differences, they add spice to our lives, we bounce back in all mush and it kind of gives us a break from our routine and gives an excuse to celebrate our patch up.

Little fights, big arguments, light banters are so part of our relationship. And the mix of it is all what makes it what it is today for 14 years. Can you believe we know each other for that long now? I certainly don’t know how these years went by. Flew, actually. And there is yet so much to witness.

We’ve our dreams to come true. We’ve our second bub to come in this world. We’ve long parenting years and support each other in the drill. We’ve to watch so many movies, chat non stop late nights, have reading races like kids, have arguments to make for silly things, patch up with a kiss and hug each tight for no reasons, not talk for couple of days in a row, accuse each other for nothing, have each other to fall back in bad times, worry about our future as parents of teenage children, travel the world & explore, basically, we have so much remaining to do in our lives that we can’t afford to let the moments pass by just like that. There is so much to do which is going to be exciting.

I don’t want to think how my life would be without you, this is very hypothetical and no use in thinking that. Instead, I’m thinking what my life is with you in it and if I’ve to sum up, it is the you and me that makes prettier for both of us in this relationship. The best is I have you and you have me, the best it could be!

So what I’m saying is I love you for what you are with a little disagreement with some part of you 😉

 

Is it a generation thing?

Recently when I was interviewing candidates in order to augment the team, I came across 2 candidates, in their early 30s,who were divorced.

This was just a couple weeks back and y’day I got a call from my friend stating that her sister, all in her late twenties, got divorced in 2 years of her love marriage.

2 months back we had a person joining in the organization who also had the same story to narrate.

Was generally discussing this with the big boss, on a lighter note, and pat came the reply that this is generation problem!  I knew he was kidding at that moment but I could not resist and probed him. He still maintained the same thing and then I said excuse me I too belong to the same generatio, so what do you want to say? To which he replied saying all these girls that you’ve mentioned are at least a year or two younger to you and these days even a couple of years gap becomes a generation gap!

It made me think, on two notes:

  1. Why are divorce rates going high?
  2. 2-3 years age gap and we call it another generation altogether, really?

What’s your point of view? Is it a generation gap? Is it more earning power and independence that we are gathering these days? Is it low value of relationship and longivity? Is it because of easy access to such solutions that we make haste in arriving at these? Is it something called young blood and Gen X type things?

Adding to above numbers I’ve also couple of more friends to add to the list divorcees. I also had done a post 2 years back on the same…(somehow I’m unable to tag the link here so posting it as it is) https://stockpilinglife.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/exactly-when/

When I wrote the above post  maybe I had a very little thought process around it or the thoughts were half baked ! That said, even today I realize that of course very dire situations call for necessary separation, understood! But in general I’ve also come across some cases where in even a lower level of arguments or time spending together have become issues and led to separations.

Have we become less tolerant to listening to NO or bending down for the partner? Does it really have to do with the individual earning capabilities?

I’m sure in any case, it is really tough to go through a separation. And no one goes ahead and enjoys the status but can the couple, in toto, prevent arriving at this hard juncture of life?

7 notes for 7 years

Dear Husby,

Recently we reached the 7 year mark of wedded bliss or marriage in simpler terms. 7 years,han? Sounds long and not that long too. We have been through so many things in these 7 years,at the end of which I can say these 7 things to you:

  1. I won’t say you’re the best husband in the world [well that would sound cheesy] but I’m sure you are the best for me!
  2. I’m sure you are going to be the perfect father,I always visualized for my children.
  3. You forget a lot and it irritates me to no bounds but then I know nothing comes perfect in life,not even me!
  4. You are an introvert and not as expressive as I had like you to be but then I know how much you love me and that melts me inside out.
  5. You trust me blindly,not that you must not,but the fact that you do,makes me feel special.
  6. You are my anchor which has brought stability in my life.No this is not any cliched statement copied from some book/movie,it is the fact of my life.
  7. My family loves you and they keep telling me how lucky I’m to have you as a life partner-they also say things like ‘only if we could clone him for your other cousins to have husbands like him’- makes me feel proud,not of you,but of my choice 😉

Well,I’ve matured with you and it’s not just about spending 7 years together but it’s been a journey of more than a decade that we know each other now-11 years to be precise. These 7 years as husband and wife,have brought us to different levels of understanding. Showed us life from different perspective.

Certainly,there were promises broken,there were tears,there were fights that turned ugly, there were days in a row when we didn’t speak to each other….but to go with these there were days which were filled with smiles,the days when we were happy,when we kept our promises,we we joked,shopped,traveled, read books together,played scrabble,cooked, acted lazy bums,watched movies,dined,snuggled and cuddled…and these were by all means the days the that form a major part of these 7 years of our marriage.

We argue and we have differences. But the best part about us is we know how to enjoy our differences,how to let each other just be,how to give that required space and how not to be too demanding.

All I have to say to you is, happy 7th Anniversary Husby! Let’s just stay the same to each other and be merry 🙂

Yours,

Biwi

No separate room?

Last week I visited a friend [who is single]. She is Husby’s colleague and we have recently become very good friends. This was the first time I went to her place.

We chatted and chatted and had some nice brown cake and chai to accompany us. The next best thing was when she said let’s go to my room and we climbed the stairs to her room. Her room looks like some amazing place to be. Nothing fancy there but what I loved is-her room has a balcony with an awesome view, it is  a cozy small room with one bed, one table-chair and a book case, plus an almirah of course. There is a fire place in the room [which is non functional] but she has used it creatively. So the overall look of her room in short  ‘perfect  ‘me’ place’ !

It reminded me of my own room back home. When I was living with my parents. My brother had another.It’s been ages I hadn’t thought of my room. But that day M’s room reminded me of not only my room but all those years spent in there. How perfect it sounded then ‘my room’. The posters like ‘enter at your own risk’ and the likes were pasted on the walls. The bed made exactly the way I wanted it to be. The doors closed when I wanted them to be closed. My girls’ gang’s favorite hangout-my room!

Cut to present. I’m married and we have ‘our’ bedroom! Even when people generally look out for new houses [for rent / purchase] they count rooms as in master bedroom, kids’ room, in-laws room, guest room and if it is going to be very rich purchase then you have a maid’s room too. Do we ever think of a separate room for our selves? Like the wife has one room to herself and the husband has another for himself? We don’t!

In a general set up there is no concept of having two separate rooms for a married couple. And logically what’s the need? When you are sharing yourself, your life with your spouse,the room is a big deal!

On the contrary when there are two sisters / two brothers they share the room and so they are kind of used to this concept of ‘sharing’ unless they belong to a very rich family where in every sibling has a separate room,no matter what!

But those who had separate rooms can,may be,relate to what I’m saying,can you?

So am I saying that bachelors / spinsters have an added advantage of having their own room to themselves? Or put in other words-married people don’t have their own separate room? 🙂

Or may be this thought came to my mind only when I visited a single girl’s room after a long while?

Well,I don’t know but just thinking….and missing my ‘separate’ room ,sigh!

No,this isn’t my room,but mine looked somewhat like this 🙂

What is it called?

When one starts leaving sticky notes on the desktop for you  to see in the morning? *ooops :)*

When someone does something like this to the normal tomato soup? * 😀 😀 :D*

When someone calls while on way home from work,every single day? *blush blush*

When you can see two pair of eyes meeting and exchanging something which only they can define? *ahem,ahem*

What is it called? 

Being Married-Looking Back 1

It was the time of my MBA counselling,I was in Bhopal to get a seat allocated. Since the Husby could not come with me due to some work I went there alone. The task was not very tough,I had 2 specific colleges  in my mind and I knew if I’m getting either of the colleges I’m taking the admission or chuck it.

So I was sitting in the hall,at the last bench,cool and calm and waiting for the process to begin. I had all my papers in place in the folder with required number of photo copies and documents which would be needed for submission. Lot of hustle bustle could be noticed in the hall with parents and students pouring in and sitting in groups to discuss the options they could get or should choose from and arranging for photo copies etc.

One girl sitting on the adjacent bench looked at me and gave a smile and I smiled back. Then she asked me a question which startled me. She asked me which college has my son have decided for. I was like ‘what?’ And then I realized why she had said that. I was wearing all the marital symbols right from Sindoor to Mangalsutra to 2-2 Bangles and toe rings,what with I had been married for few days then.

I told her that it was for myself that I was present there,to get an admission into the post graduate course. She gaped and gave me a look which I till date haven’t forgotten or have found a name for ! Any way,the counselling was done and to my pleasure I got a seat in desired college and I took the bus back home in the evening.

The first day of college and I was standing with a girl waiting for other batch mates to come in and the induction process to start up. While waiting,a girl approached us and started the conversation. After the usual ‘hi’ and ‘where are you from’ and ‘which exam did you write to get into this course’ etc she said in a hush hush voice, ‘you know I’ve just come to know there is a married girl in our batch?’ I was like oh yes I know,purposely holding on for that moment! She went on saying ‘how come anyone can study after getting married? What about the in-laws? The responsibilities? And would she be able to complete the course? What if she gets pregnant?’ etc etc! To which I could not resist and told her that it’s me! Oh her reaction? She said ‘oh is it? Han It’s you but you don’t look married? Where is the sindoor? The toe rings? The bangles?’  I told her all this is for occasions. And then she went on praising me for what a bold decision I had taken to study after getting married and how she admires me for the same and I’m so courageous and my in-laws must be gems blah blah!

Even further in the course,after a year that is,some of my female friends told me how they don’t like my idea of studying after getting married whereas I should have been sitting at home and having fun with the husband and making babies. One friend also said that if she had been in my place she would have by now [1 year of marriage] had a baby popped out and the rest of female gang nodded in agreement,sigh!

Things that got stuck with me from this whole thing:

The change of opinion in a second and the narrow mindedness.

Marriage is seen like a boundation,even by educated females themselves.

Lot of females feel,even today,that marriage is for having sex,making babies,going on holidays and cooking and cleaning for the new set of family!

Marriage means adorning self with the marital symbols,like always!

P.S. This is first post in the category 'Looking Back' and now onward such entries will get added to this page.

A dhamaka conversation

The husband and wife conversation in Scribby Land!

She: I don’t believe this! How can you forget things every few minutes? *being very upset cause it’s been a year or two now that the husband is constantly forgetting things told even 5 mins back and this habit of forgetfulness is worsening by each passing day*

Him: *silence and just a gentle glance at her*

She: Now why you looking at me like this? Tell me,really,how could you forget to do something that I told you just 1 hour back?

Him: *still maintaining the silence and basically giving that kiddish smile like always*

She: I really wonder how did you top the class every year in school and maintained the same in college too,I sincerely doubt that now!

Him: I’ve an explanation to offer on this!

She: Oh wow,finally! Please go ahead and tell me,will you!!!!!!

Him: Marriage does that to people…read: men!

She: Whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt? You mean because of me you’ve become forgetful???? *now angry and surprised at his way of mocking* grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Him: Oh don’t feel bad about it lady!!! It was just a joke…don’t you watch Hindi movies? *bursts into a laugh*

She: *a what-the-hell-look on her face..already tired tackling a cranky baby today and making chaklis & chiwda and now this!!!*

Him: *now realizing the gravity of the situation* okay okay sorry!!!! Cheer up na! *and saying all those mushy ‘I love you’ types things!!!

She: Hawww…one minute you make fun of me and the next minute you’re like so sweet to me,godddddddd! Where did you learn this art?

Him: Uhhhu,uhhu,told you marriage changes a man!!!!

She:grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So Diwali in our household has begun people and that too a Dhamakedar one 😀 Hope yours is going on well too..what all did you make? So far I’ve managed to make Chaklis and Chiwda. 2 sweets on agenda for tomorrow..Chirpy is a bit cranky today..poor baby is unable to sleep because of loud sounds and on top of that she is caught by cold 😦 I hope it doesn’t get severe !!!

Wishing you a happy and prosperous Diwali!

About being married, plump and happy

In conversation with my masseuse today about plumpness and putting on:

Me: Sheesh I really need to lose lot of weight.

Her: Areh but you don’t look so odd with all this flab,you look good 🙂

Me: Are you crazy ???

Her: I mean with this height and all it suits your personality.

Me: Personality? Do I even have one today???? 😦 You don’t know anything cause you haven’t seen me earlier.

Her: How thin were you ? This much only nah? *referring to our ‘typical’ couple photo on the wall-taken just after a year of our marriage*

Me: No even thinner than this one..I mean before I got married you see.

Her: And bhaiya has also put on a lot *again referring to the same photo*

Me: Yeah he has too,sigh !!

Her: That’s because you guys are very happy in your marriage…[in her words: tum dono ko shaadi ekdum jam gayi hai]

Me: What’s that logic?

Her: Those who are happily married are plump and keep putting on…so this is an indication that you guys click..there is nothing to be sad about it,you should be happy !

Me: sigh,sigh,sigh !!!!!

Did you too hear about this logic before or any other logic ? Sigh,if this is true I would ‘happily’ agree to remain plump 🙂

Let’s talk about sex baby!

Recently one of my friends got married who is 31. A month went by before we could actually talk peacefully and talk in detail about everything that happens post marriage 😉

Yes so yesterday was the time when we got chatting with each other. Obviously my first question was ‘how was it?’. Why,you won’t ask your BFF about it..don’t tell me that you won’t!!! Any way so here is the convo that took place between us :

Me: How was it???? tell tell 🙂

She: Umm well…yeah..

Me: what is this umm well??? bol na

She: You tell me..how does it start and how long does one take to start it actually ? I mean you’re experienced…

Me: *scratching my head* Whaatttt??? What are you saying..clearly bol

She: Areh..meaning we’re still knocking the door 😉 samjhi?

Me: *What the hell!!!!* why is that???? :-O

She: I’m scared it will pain a lot !

Me: *Damn* Dear..that’s normal and you haven’t even tried..you’re just assuming,right?

She: Yeah but the moment he is trying to do it I start making faces and then he stops ..he doesn’t want to hurt me!

Me: Well, good that he is taking so much care of you but how long do you think this will last?

She: It’s okay nah..we’re just 15 days married..I’ve heard people take 6-8 months to actually get into the act post marriage..and the minimum is 2 months !!!!

Me: Haaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww !!!!

The guy sure is a gem but the gem might turn into a monster one fine day when he is fed up of this ‘fear’ of hurt and pain ! I don’t say rush things and all that but taking it slowly is one thing and assuming that it hurts and I shall wait till my assumption vanishes is another ! I mean the assumption will only be proved right or wrong if you experience it or else how?

I don’t understand why do people fear sex so much. Also, it’s still not a dining table topic in homes. You getting my point right? By dining table topic I mean where in parents handle this issue with the kids when they prop up questions related to sex. I think sex education is a must in schools AND at homes,at appropriate age, to prevent unwanted sex taking place AND to educate people about it thoroughly so that they don’t end up behaving like my friend with her spouse.

When I told her you can always talk to you partner about your preferences and how do you want it et al..she was like ‘no way’ !! Why I say why !! When you can’t talk to your partner about it then it’s next to impossible that you would even think about educating your kids about the same!

I think this becomes one of the reasons why relationships go from sweet to sour within no time. Cause let’s face it sex is one of the important ingredients of the mix of good relationship-tell me if you disagree! So,why put it on back burner and not tackle the problem,if any,right there ?

And thanks to people who proudly say that it’s okay to not ‘have it going’ until 6-8 months ! Are you kidding? You tell me honestly does this click? Are you okay with this idea of ‘not getting into action’ for so long after marriage just for the sake of assumptions or because some of your friends took this long??

And on top of it all at this age [my friend’s] one is expected to know the basics if not be a Ph.D in the subject..no?

I for one feel that one has to be open about their sex life to their respective partners or else these things never get sorted out. The more you talk the more comfortable you get with the person you’re sharing your body with. And it’s not a taboo..please ! If it wasn’t there you and me would not have come to this world and not writing blogs or adding friends on face book 😛